Fantasy Gazette

At the Gazette, we believe in fantasy football with etiquette and class.

SIKE. You want to win don’t you, princess? Etiquette is for losers, so nut up. We are going to show you EXACTLY how to rob your friends and make their eyes piss tears. The truth about fantasy football is taking advantage of other people in trades wins you championships. Ready?

Here are six tips to get you stomping on your friendships on your way to REAL value: fantasy championships.

1. Start Twitter burner accounts dedicated to hyping up the player you’re selling:

Let’s begin with the basics: you have someone on your team you need to get rid of. Well, if you don’t want them, what if someone else doesn’t? MAKE them want them. Create no less than 20-30 burner accounts who just post highlights to Twitter and get your player trending. Now you’ve got the hottest commodity on the block.

2. Insult your trade partner (HAVE TO include personal attacks)

This one’s easy: make sure the person you’re negotiating with knows they’re an utter dumbass for not taking your low-ball offers. This is especially great for taking advantage of new players, you know, ones who want to try out fantasy football for fun or something stupid like that. Message a new player “Hey dipshit, you don’t realize I’m doing you a favor with the trade I sent, right? My god, why’d you even sign up for this league? Just take the trade. Whore.”

Great job! Let’s keep going.

3. Lie

Lying is a great way to get what you want in life and maintain healthy relationships. Here’s a classic tactic. Let’s say you’re giving up Myles Gaskin for Christian McCaffrey and Stefon Diggs.

Tell them to their face you know someone on the Dolphins’ coaching staff – and they told you in secret that Gaskin is getting 400 carries, and that all other RBs on the team will get cut. Then tell them CMC tore his ACL and Diggs retired! Making up sources is key. All the big boys reporting on the NFL do it, too. Now they’re getting a steal. Use this on players who may have small children or work important jobs and can’t check ESPN/Sleeper every three seconds like a true player worthy of your stature.

Speaking of other people’s kids….

4. Hatch an elaborate scheme to kidnap their children in exchange for your trade offer

Bonus points for ransom notes made out of magazine clippings to set the tone. Really sell that their kids are in genuine danger just so you can get Antonio Gibson and Darren Waller. If the rest of the league or the police suspects you committed a felony, refer back to #3, rinse, and repeat.

5. Become a General Manager of a National Football League team

This one’s easy. Quickly earn a Masters’ Degree in Sports Management and gain no less than 10 years of either collegiate coaching or front-office work for NFL franchises. All of a sudden, you’re behind the wheel of a real team’s roster in the blink of an eye. You can boost any player’s value you want! Just cut all their backups or trade them away if you need to win a fantasy football trade. Did you just acquire Kareem Hunt in a fantasy trade? Trade him over to your real-life NFL team and cut the rest of your running backs. Insert “This Is How I Win” GIF from Uncut Gems, please.

6. Fake Your Own Death

Emotion drives decisions. You need a friend or colleague to make an emotional decision that will benefit you. Stage an accident in which you die, then in your recently-updated will, make sure they know what you really wanted after your Earthly life was Dalvin Cook in exchange for Rodrigo Blankenship.

Hey, who’s that standing up out of their own coffin the day before the season? That’s you, champ. Go get ‘em.