Fantasy Gazette

AKRON, OH – Sources confirmed a member of a local draft has now been “on the clock” for over two entire minutes…and counting. League members are reportedly in a violent frenzy.

“This is bullshit,” said one league member. “I mean, what is more important right now than this draft? I don’t give a singular care if this guy’s got kids who need fed or if his dad is in the hospital, this is MY fantasy football draft we’re talking about for Christ’s sake. I have been waiting now for over the amount of time it takes to cook minute rice.”

It had clearly gone far enough once the first block of ten seconds had gone by, and the player had not made his choice (the fifth pick in the first round), but by the time twenty seconds had gone by, the league wanted blood.

“Look, bro,” said the man whose pick followed that of the inconsiderate douchebag. “Just pick who you want for your team this year. Holy shit, man, some of us have work in the morning.”

One league member took to her official fantasy football account to complain:

Commissioner Lorenzo Craft selected Saquon Barkley just before the inconsiderate douchebag held up an entire league’s evening, life, happiness, and sanity. Craft was perhaps the most furious of all.

“Look, asshole, this is simple,” he said. “You can have Ezekiel Elliott, Alvin Kamara, Derrick Henry, Jonathan Taylor, Nick Chubb, Cam Akers, damn even David Montgomery if you want a running back. Want wide receiver? Quickly choose between Davante Adams, Tyreek Hill, A.J. Brown, Justin Jefferson, Stefon Diggs, or Calvin Ridley. Go Travis Kelce for all I care, but to do this to all eleven of us when we have more picks to make? You seriously need over sixty seconds to make that call, you dick?! It’s insulting and degrading to wait this long. Now I know how poor people who don’t have the fast pass at Disney World feel.”

The league’s chat message had accumulated over 85 messages, including death threats and blackmail, with many calling to kick the douchebag out for what one leaguemember said ‘was comparable to war crimes.’ Two minutes had now gone by, and a poll asking to remove him from the league sat at a unanimous 11-0 vote count.

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“Dad, I’m really glad you’re doing better after you took that fall. We were all worried about you. I’ll go get all of us some dinner and be back up in a minute.” Jonathan Percy got up from the chair next to his father’s hospital bed, hugged his mother and sister, and left for the nearby burger joint the family would always visit when they watched Titans games. Before leaving the parking lot, Percy checked his phone and prepared to select Derrick Henry, his recently injured father’s favorite player, before a red message popped up that he had been removed from the league.

He missed his chance.