Fantasy Gazette

CANTON, OH – Thousands of fantasy football players gasped in a horrific shock as undercover therapists revealed themselves at the 2021 fantasy football expo and asked attendees to sit in circles of 10 people. The DoubleTree Hotel in Canton, OH had been set up as an elaborate ruse to get fantasy football players the gambling addiction counseling they desperately need.

“It was a pretty simple plan,” said Michelle Dougherty, the head undercover therapist posing as a breakout group leader. “We put out some info online that there is this big gathering for fantasy football enthusiasts in Ohio. We knew there was no way they had anything interesting at all on their calendars for any given weekend, so we knew a long drive to Ohio would be no issue for any fantasy expert.

As the football experts, many of whom never stepped foot on a football field past middle school, gathered in the hotel, none had the athleticism or elusiveness to evade any of the trained therapists. “Yeah, we roped them in pretty easily,” said Ivy Nordstrom, a 5’6, 130-pound therapist. “I was terrified that the attendees would know some jukes, spin moves, or stiff-arms to evade us as we physically forced them into our counseling sessions, but they were too busy debating if I was bigger than some guy named Tutu Atwell. For being football experts, none of them could outrun or outmaneuver us.”

Fantasy football, for those unfamiliar, is glorified gambling mixed with a mild-to-severe enjoyment of professional American Football. Experts are defined as social media accounts with over 1,000 followers or with at least one championship ring, which requires generally as much knowledge as it takes to win a March Madness bracket pool at your work every spring.

The fantasy experts never saw the undercover therapists coming. Some had already entered breakout rooms for in-depth information, some had begun drafts, and others were in line for the bathroom while also simultaneously drafting against those who were ahead of them in line.

“They appeared out of nowhere,” said one anonymous expert. “I was admiring the life-size Matthew Berry puppet they had on display, and this therapist climbs out of the puppet and asks me to have a seat. I’ve never been so terrified.”

“I was in the middle of a dynasty draft and trying to decide between Jalen Reagor and Marquez Callaway when a team of trained addiction therapists dropped down from the ceiling and told me they had free leagues in another room. I was so excited I missed the sign on the door that said ‘Addiction Counseling Room D.”

The news that the 2021 Expo was a secret ruse to get fantasy football players the addiction counseling many didn’t know they needed was a devastating one to companies who rely on them for revenue.

“Oh f*ck, it’s actually an INTERVENTION?!?!,” said DraftKings CEO Jason Robins.”No no no, this can’t be happening…oh my GOD our stock price is plummeting!!!”

“The end is near…God hath forsaken us,” said all three hosts of the Fantasy Footballers in unison.

A mad scramble at the expo is sure to leave many spouses, children, pets, and more satisfied this fall as their fantasy football addicts release their gambling addiction through helpful counseling, EMDR therapy, personal sessions, group counseling, and more healthy outlets. The revelation is sure to devastate fantasy apps while helping homes thrive, but at what cost?