Fantasy Gazette

Most NFL fans could name some of the best players on each team, but for fantasy football you have to dig a little deeper. Here’s the best fantasy value for each player on every NFL team:

49ers: RB Wayne Gallman, Jr – After Raheem Mostert and Trey Sermon exit with injuries in Week 1, Gallman is sure to crush it in Week 2 before twisting his ankle or something. If you want to dominate Week 2, get Gallman.

Bears: QB Nick Foles – Um, guys? Foles had 373 yards and 4 total touchdowns in Super Bowl 52. How quickly we forget.

Bengals: WR Tee Higgins – Higgins should be open on pretty much every play while defensive backs panic and quadruple-cover Ja’Marr Chase every play because they were forced to watch 2019 LSU highlights in film all week.

Bills: RB Devin Singletary – Singletary is the same height (short) as Clyde Edwards-Helaire, and CEH is shooting up draft boards. Screw it, let’s do the same for Singletary, come on guys!

Broncos: RB Melvin Gordon – After rookie Javonte Williams completely takes over the backfield midway through the year, the young star will immediately give the aging vet back the starting gig out of the goodness of his heart.

Browns: WR Odell Beckham, Jr – There’s just no way he isn’t good anymore right? He has to be, okay? I haven’t been happy since 2014 and I need this.

Buccaneers: WR Mike Evans – Is 1,100 yards and 8 touchdowns every year not good enough for you monsters anymore that Evans is a value play? What is wrong with all of you…

Cardinals: RB James Conner – NFL defenses are bound to eventually key in on dominant goal line ballcarrier Kyler Murray, leaving Conner plenty of opportunities to sneak a few touchdowns in.

Chargers: TE – Jared Cook & TE Donald Parham – We forgot about tight ends up until now so we’re just gonna list both of them here, eff it.

Chiefs: WR Mecole Hardman – Tyreek Hill fast, Mecole also fast.

Colts: WR Parris Campbell – A lot of guys with ‘FF’ in their Twitter handle keep talking about this guy so we’re just going to go with it, I guess.

Cowboys: QB Dak Prescott – The fun thing about predicting fantasy is you can take any stretch of games you want and assume they’ll happen for an entire season uninterrupted. We’re going to do that here and say Dak goes over 6,000 passing yards with 70 touchdowns.

Dolphins: RB Malcolm Brown – He was #1 on the depth chart in preseason Week 1. Ignoring that he averaged a yard per carry, is old, and hasn’t been a starter…ever? Then yeah, he’s going for like 250+ carries.

Eagles: QB Joe Flacco – The Super Bowl 47 MVP is averaging one 79 yard touchdown every 17 pass attempts in the preseason. Assuming the Eagles attempt the same number of passes as last year (598), doing the math we can then confidently say Joe Flacco is going to throw at least 35.1764 of those same 79 yard touchdowns.

Falcons: TE Kyle Pitts – *moaning*

Football Team: WR Adam Humphries – New QB Ryan Fitzpatrick and Humphries are just a couple of hard-working, sneaky athletic, gym rat, high-IQ guys that just get each other. Plus they look like father and son a little bit, which is cool.

Giants: RB Saquon Barkley – I don’t care if he’s going at the end of the first round, those meaty quads will always be hella valuable to me. I want him to stare deeply into my eyes as he slowly crushes a watermelon between his legs and let’s the juice slowly dribble down his thighs.

Jaguars: QB/TE Tim Tebow – [redacted]

Jets: RB Frank Gore – As Tevin Coleman approaches 30 years of age, NYJ realizes they need youth in the backfield and re-sign Gore.

Lions: Opponent’s D/ST – Don’t overthink this.

Packers: QB Jordan Love – Aaron Rodgers may be starting for now, but if just one member of the Packers front office looks at Rodgers the wrong way he’s heading straight back on a plane to Hawaii with that actress from that one movie and that other actor from that other movie.

Panthers: QB Sam Darnold – Sam promised me a copy of Madden 22 for my PS4 if I helped get his fantasy stock up, so can you guys help me out please?

*Note – The Patriots’ selection has been written for us.

Patriots: RB Damien Harris – Hello everyone this is Bill Belichick. Draft Damien Harris. I know I never, ever use my running backs in a way that’s helpful for you in fantasy but I’m totally going to do it this year trust me lol.

Raiders: WR Bryan Edwards – *moaning louder*

Rams: WR Van Jefferson – Did you know that you can get Jefferson in the final round of every single draft this year?

Ravens: RB J.K. Dobbins – You do realize the Ravens rush for like 3,000 yards a year right? And score a ton of points? You do realize Gus and Lamar “stealing” touches still leaves Dobbins like 1,300 and a few TDs of his own right? You know that, don’t you? You’re so cute when you don’t know things.

Saints: WR Tre’Quan Smith Marquez Callaway Kevin White – The replacements for Michael Thomas are skyrocketing or getting hurt or suck at football daily, so the day of your draft check who the latest Saints addition is and take them.

Seahawks: TE Gerald Everett – see Parris Campbell

Steelers: QB Ben Roethlisberger – I did a best ball draft yesterday and he wasn’t even drafted. #Value

Texans: The analytics suggest it would not be wise to select a player from the Houston Texans.

Titans: RB Derrick Henry – He is a guarantee to plummet statistically because a bunch of people who don’t look or play an ounce like Derrick Henry plummeted statistically in the past. We’ll buy, thanks galaxy-brain people.

Vikings: QB Kellen Mond – Look me in the face and tell me Kirk Cousins is never going to get replaced, ever. Let’s just be bold and say this year it happens. Also the vaccination thing.