Fantasy Gazette

BRISTOL, CT – Fantasy football celebrity and pioneer Matthew Berry and ESPN announced Wednesday “The Fantasy Show” is undergoing a major change.

“We looked at our demographic of fully grown men who love professional football and asked ourselves what they wanted more of,” Berry said in a personal video to fans. “The overwhelming answer was more puppets. We are going to take our current lineup of puppets who talk about the NFL and increase it by over 6,990 total puppets.”

Grown men in their 20s and 30s – who love the violent sport of football – rejoiced at the news that ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, would be adding even more talking puppets to their show aimed at grown men.

“God, this is exactly what I wanted,” said Gerald Johnson, a local grown man. “I love turning on ESPN on Sunday mornings and seeing oddly shaped puppets telling me to start Diontae Johnson over Corey Davis this week. The one that’s shaped like a crystal ball with a little hat on it really is what I want to see as a 34-year-old grown man.”

Most importantly, the new puppets will help tell stories and connect to the audience through moral lessons.

Berry let us in on Episode #1’s plot, which debuts a brand new puppet named “Owen.” Owen is a troll that still uses terms like “owning” players. Throughout the episode, dozens of other new puppets will beat Owen within an inch of his life to help him re-learn his vocabulary, which will end in a beautiful musical dance number with Owen learning his lesson and starting to use terms like “rostering” players instead. Truly inspiring.

At press time, ESPN was working on the next script, which involved teaching Raiders fans the alphabet.