Fantasy Gazette

Gazette sources confirmed your fantasy football team is getting ruthlessly dominated because a player you’ve never heard of has absorbed the powers of Zeus himself while playing for your opponent’s team.

The player, whose name sounds like it might be an auto-generated Madden athlete, decided right here, right now on Thursday Night Football was the exactly right time to go absolutely apeshit on your fantasy football team. Sounds like you must’ve pissed him off or something.

“Yeah, once I found out I was playing you, it was a wrap,” the player you’ve never heard of said just before kickoff. “Your ass is mine. I woke up feeling like a rage-induced gorilla whose sole mission on this Earth is to dismantle your fantasy football team. God, what a rush. I won’t rest until your happiness and joy are squandered beyond recognition,” the player you’ve never heard of emphatically yelled before taking the field and transforming into prime Bo Jackson on 100mg of amphetamines.

The player, whose name you mispronounced several times while swearing at your television screen, told Fantasy Gazette he ‘won’t rest’ until he knows for a fact your fantasy team won’t see a win this week. “May the powers that be doom my soul to an eternity of torment shall I fail to complete the quest of wrecking your fantasy football team on this exact week in particular,” the player said.

The god-level performance from the player who had previously had little success has cost your team a 30 point deficit or so, and you’ve got quite the uphill battle now. Best of luck, and next time pick up the correct players you have zero knowledge of when they decide to unleash the fantasy football equivalent of 1,000 sticks of dynamite on the world.