Fantasy Gazette

According to our top Saints beat reporter, 3-time Pro Bowl WR Michael Thomas has NOT been sitting out this NFL season because of a lingering ankle injury, but because his nickname hurts his feelings. The league leader in both reception yardage and reception total in 2019, Thomas has barely played since, mainly because he feels like his nickname Slant Boy is, and I quote, “like, super mean”.

“Just cause I can’t do nothing but run slants don’t mean I’m not the greatest receiver in the league,” Thomas explained to our inside reporter. He started crying when asked about his nickname and rushed out of the room yelling over his shoulder “my mama told me I was a man! I’m a man now!”

After some more snooping from our inside guy, turns out Thomas has been faking his ankle injury for months. When pressed about this issue, head coach Sean Payton admitted to going along with the ruse to “Allow Mike time to heal.” Talking about a potential return timeline, he said: “I’m not sure. Every time he puts on a brave face and gets out on the practice field he’ll mistime a curl route, overrun a post, or even just completely drop any ball that’s not right over the middle. Five minutes in and suddenly his ankle flares up. Poor kid-uh, I mean, poor fully grown adult male.”

This issue seems to stretch even further than just the Saints locker room, though. NFL executives received written correspondence last Wednesday from Thomas’s agent explaining his request that the NFL ban the name “Slant Boy” and instead encourage the name “Slant Man” when referring to Thomas. The NFL neglected to respond. The following day, Thomas released a statement revealing his prolonged absence to his Twitter followers: “Unfortunately, there has been another small setback which we will have to address. My ankle still hurts real bad and that’s why I’m not playing, it’s not something else so don’t HMU.”

Seems like this “ankle injury” may take a bit longer to heal, if you know what I mean….

Before leaving the team facilities later that afternoon, our reporter saw Thomas staring into the locker room mirror while singing along Dwayne Johnson’s verse on “Face Off” on an endless loop.