Fantasy Gazette

Hey Gazetters, today is Turkey Day! Many of us are gathered around the table with family we don’t often see (or want to see). If you’re anything like us, you likely want to completely ignore all family and just watch football in peace.

We would love that for you! Unfortunately, that’s not how it works…and we know you’ll probably end up begrudgingly talking politics with your Uncle Kevin. Thankfully, we care about you Gazetters and have come up with six fool-proof scenarios to steer the conversation from politics towards football. We hope you are able to use them today and avoid all conversation with any real substance.

Scenario 1

Boomer Relative: “Have you seen how high gas prices are getting? Joe Biden bad!”

You: “Yes! It must’ve cost a fortune for former Las Vegas Raider Henry Ruggs III to have driven 150mph down that road in California while under the influence and then crashing violently. Anyways, Hunter Renfrow has really stepped it up. Do you think he will score a touchdown later today?”

GREAT JOB! You successfully diverted Boomer Relative from a noncoherent argument about fossil fuels and now are discussing Hunter Renfrow instead of Hunter Biden.

Scenario 2

Aunt Margaret: “Biden is old, senile, and crazy…”

Your other aunt (you forgot her name): “Well at least he isn’t just an annoying and entitled little turd like Trump!”

You: “Those are definitely two well-said arguments I would love to hear more of. On the topic of nutcases, do you feel Odell Beckham will be okay on the Rams long-term?

You successfully united your family against a common enemy, a diva wide receiver. Boo-yah! Pass the pecan pie!

Scenario 3

Cousin John: “Can you believe they’re mandating vaccines for most office workers now?! This is 1984!”

Grandma P: “I don’t care what’s mandated! I want healthy grandchildren to come visit me and eat my famous snickerdoodle casserole!”

You: “You know who would love that casserole, Grandma? Aaron Rodgers! He’s not vaccinated and also broke his toe. And…is it just me, or is he the cutest quarterback in the NFL?

Well done! The mandate argument is over, and now arguing over which man they’d date.

Scenario 4

Dad: “Kyle Rittenhouse is a HERO. He was defending that car wash with his rifle when Antifa skateboarders tried to vaccinate him!”

Aunt Patricia: (rage screaming)

You: *turn the volume of the Lions game to 100, completely overriding the adult version of a tantrum.*

You did it! Your boomer grandparents needing help adjusting their hearing aids from Joe Buck at that volume will cause enough of a commotion to get the fighting over with.

Scenario 5

Your cousins Bethany, Johanna, and Cynthia: “Let’s go shotgun some White Claws!”

Great Aunt Susan: “This generation is all going to hell!!! Turn to Jesus!!!”

You: “My fantasy football team is going to hell if I don’t make some trades right now! I’m trading Christian McCaffrey to the highest bidder.”

Um, check please! This strategy is a surefire way to get everyone off of the religion talk and back to staring at their phone screens as they scramble to offer you a deal for the Panthers RB.

Success! Everyone’s talking football. But what if that goes wrong???

Scenario 6

Uncle Dennis: “Is that Kaepernick guy still acting like an afro terrorist jackwagon democrat anti-WLM moronic idiot?”

You: “Hey guys, I need to go do a diarrhea. Can someone point me to the bathroom?” [discretely make violent farting sounds with your mouth and excuse yourself to the bathroom so you can watch the final ten minutes of the 4th quarter in peace]

THAT just happened! With a slick move like that, the fighting can go on while you check the game, your fantasy leagues, and your broken parlays while the table erupts into a raging argument that causes nobody to change their mind and nobody to be educated in any way. Go YOU.

Gazetters, feel free to use these tips today and in the future as you get your family off the arguments and back to the real issues. We’re here for you! Now go do a fake diarrhea to get out of those discussions – there’s football to be watched!!!”