Fantasy Gazette

Cambrige, MA – Professor Matthew “Math Addict” Townsend, a brilliant mathematics professor at MIT, reached a critical breakthrough in front of his Calculus students Tuesday, correctly correlating a realistic path for his 3-10 fantasy football team to make the playoffs.

“Students, put away your textbooks, shut up, and watch this right here,” said Townsend. “You’re about to witness math history. Yes, I drafted Allen Robinson, Trey Sermon, and Daniel Jones. NO, I don’t care if God himself said I’m eliminated. I put in my $10 entry fee and I’m not wasting it. Now buckle up,” said Townsend before aggressively using his blue EXPO Dry Erase Marker all over his whiteboard before finally capping the marker, taking a step back, placing his hands on his hips in exhaustion. “I’ve done it,” he said under his breath.

Admittedly, Townsend had done the calculations. However, the equation included less than legal acts to get there.

“Yeah, this contains about four instances of collusion,” said sophomore Trevor McDaniels, a student in Townsend’s M/W/F Calculus 301 course. “His entire calculation hinges on a leaguemate trading him Jonathan Taylor and the commissioner pushing the playoffs back by two weeks after Professor Townsend kidnaps his son.”

Another student, senior Felicia Simpson, stormed out of the room in disgust following Townsend writing out section 7 of the equation, which featured hiring a professional hitman to break Antonio Gibson, Hunter Renfrow, and Nick Folk’s kneecaps and then bribing the Dolphins to up Myles Gaskin’s receptions to 30-35 per week.

“He started off innocently, just writing out some win/loss scenarios in week 14,” Simpson said, holding back tears of rage. “Townsend quickly discovered his weak sauce 3-10 team wasn’t making the playoffs, and went off the deep end. He was irate, waving his arms around and pulling his hair out. Plus, I think the league fee is only like ten bucks for God’s sake, I am horrified at what that man said he’d do to get in. I’m also in that league and am scared for my family’s safety.”

Following allegations his calculations included plans to cause harm to pro athletes, kidnap his leaguemates’ children, and worst of all: commit trade collusion, Townsend spoke strongly.

“Did Felicia snitch on me again?!,” said Professor Townsend. “First off, her grade’s only like an 84, freaking MIT poser…anyway, yeah, I’ll do whatever it takes. Fantasy football is life, and I’m earning that $90 championship payout at any cost, so back off. Second, she’s in the league and is 9-4, and I’m going to threaten her family next I think. That is crucial to my calculations coming true. She needs to bench Josh Allen and Joe Mixon the rest of the season for me to squeak in as the six seed, and that can only happen if I threaten the personal safety of her family members. I wish there was another way, but there isn’t. By the way, do you guys know where her family lives?”

At press time, Townsend has been fired by the school’s President, a 8-5 member of the league whose third place standing was in jeopardy. “Yeah, just couldn’t let him…uh, what was it he was going to do again? Whatever, hurt people I think? I’m in third, can’t risk that. So, yeah, he’s gone. Hey, which defense should I pick up for Week 14?”