Fantasy Gazette

Week 17 is known to fantasy players around the globe as the end of the season. To NFL players, it’s known as a return to the familiar and comfortable: death threats that aren’t about fantasy football.

“All year, me and my loved ones received death threats because I didn’t get people fantasy wins,” said Panthers RB Christian McCaffrey. “Now I’ll get them for not signing some kid’s jersey or our 4-12 record. Thank goodness!”

Browns QB Baker Mayfield was the first to notice the change. “After we lost in Pittsburgh on Monday Night Football, the death threats weren’t about fantasy anymore. A nice Browns fan held up a sign by our team bus saying he would be outside my home later that day, and when I got there he was brandishing a knife by my mailbox. The best part, you ask? He wasn’t even a fantasy football player, he was just some homeless guy from Cleveland.“

“It wasn’t always like this,” said a nostalgic Tom Brady. “Players used to have their families threatened all-year round for good old-fashioned things like throwing a bad pass or getting knocked out of the playoffs. Now, all the death threats come from social media. I haven’t gotten a ransom note from magazine clippings in years. What’s happened to us? Have we all gone mad?”

Some players, like McCaffrey, had high fantasy expectations and flopped in a big way. Just ask Bears WR Allen Robinson and Falcons WR Calvin Ridley. Robinson said he hasn’t gotten “one single” death threat from a deranged Chicago fan since he’s been there. Ridley, who missed the back half of the year for mental health, was equally sad. “It’s all: ‘fantasy this, fantasy that, I’ll kill you Calvin, blah blah blah,'” said Ridley. “I’m glad it’s over. Now when I feel unsafe driving home, it’ll be from something other than that stupid game people play. Where my sociopathic Falcons fans at?!”

Players seemed sad to no longer receive hand-written notes saying their apartment would be burned down if the team didn’t reach the Super Bowl. All year, it was just tweets with screenshots of a narrow loss on Yahoo.com. Now, things can get back to normal.

“I’m looking forward to it,” said Giants halfback Saquon Barkley. “The messages we receive about how we should die are so much more personal from the fans that don’t play fantasy. I can’t wait to get back to the true roots of NFL fandom. I may even drive down to Philadelphia to get a real feel for danger. These New York fans don’t threaten our lives like they used to.”

At press time, Bills WR Cole Beasley had a huge smile on his face. “With fantasy over, I’m getting my regular threats again. My doctor just said my life could be on the line if I keep pushing this anti-vax stuff. Now that’s a threat!”