Fantasy Gazette

New York, NY – Roger Goodell, along with the NFL Board of Trustees, excitedly announced Monday that beginning in the 2022-23 season, the NFL playoffs will expand to 32 teams because you’ll still watch it you slut.

“You know you want this,” Goodell said at a press conference Monday. “We know every part of you. We know what you want. No matter how much of gross it is on the scoreboard, your filthy little eyes would still watch Bucs vs. Lions at 3:30pm on a Sunday, you dirty whore. That’s right, sit right on that couch and don’t move.”

The announcement is a surprising one after the two 7-seeds that made the 2022 playoffs thoroughly embarrassed themselves on national television. The Steelers were manhandled by Kansas City and Philadelphia shocked the world by only losing to Tampa Bay by 16 points. Sources confirmed that you were totally into both games.

“I’m getting so hot thinking about the profit we’d turn from a 31-game playoff bracket,” said Goodell while drooling all over a cost-benefit analysis on the podium. “This forecast predicts 50 million CBS viewers for a Jaguars @ Bills rematch, oh god yes. Woah, this one says you’d watch Texans vs Chiefs even if we aired it at 7am with Aikman and Buck in the booth. Yeah, you’re down to watch. That’s right, be a good little viewer for Daddy Goodell.”

Goodell’s tone of voice was certainly disturbing for all those in attendance and reading this far into the article, but it was true, sources confirmed. You would so totally be in to watching those games, don’t be shy. The NFL would turn millions in profit just off of you hypothetically tuning in to their games at literally any time and you know you want to say yes. Just submit to the 32-team playoff bracket next year and beyond and let the NFL do the rest.