Fantasy Gazette

NEW YORK, NY – Local Jets fan Dennis Anderson was reportedly in high spirits Monday morning when his favorite NFL team, the New York Jets, successfully spared him from enduring a heartbreaking playoff loss. “After the way some of these teams lost this weekend, it feels amazing to have my team thoughtfully avoid that kind of disappointment altogether for guys like me,” he said. “I mean, Buffalo really got the shaft last night. I work with some Bills fans and none of them came to work today. I consider myself one lucky fella.”

Sources confirmed Anderson was “giddy” and “thoroughly overjoyed” watching the Chiefs/Bills back-and-forth thriller as fans of both teams reached the epitome of all emotions in one night, knowing he and his fellow Jets fans were completely safe from any type of emotional devastation. “Over the past decade, this franchise has done us a massive favor,” he said. “Every January, I get to peacefully watch these dramatic NFL playoff games from the giant emotional comfort blanket the New York Jets slowly tuck their fans into once they’ve been eliminated. Hell, I slept like a baby after that insane game finished. Ah, sweet bliss.”

Following the conclusion of one of the wildest NFL weekends of all time, Anderson reportedly called up his friend Matthew Graves, a Detroit Lions fan. “Dennis…what’s up man?! You watching all these teams and their fans get their souls viciously ripped out?!” said Graves. Anderson retaliated with pure joy that he was mercifully spared from the bloodshed. “It’s a great day to be a Jets, Lions, Jaguars, Broncos, umm, let’s see…Dolphins and Panthers I guess, you get the point. We’re saved! This is why we love January, right? God, I hope Aaron Rodgers doesn’t come to either of our teams. I don’t think I could take this kind of stress this time next year. It’s bad for your heart, y’know,” he concluded.

NFL fans of paltry teams are likely joining the Jets fan in a state of pure admiration for the sacrifices their teams have made for failing to reach the NFL playoffs. But between trips to the doctor for anxiety medication, repairing drywall with punched holes in it, and heading to Best Buy for a television without a barstool lodged in it, I’d say Jets fans and others like them are doing just fine.