Fantasy Gazette

According to sources, President Biden’s chief medical adviser Dr. Anthony Fauci has recommended Americans who want to stay safe from covid should reach, and advance through, the NFL playoffs. “Everyone in the general public – from factory workers to middle managers to their mothers and cousins – should all be actively trying to reach the NFL playoffs,” said Fauci to reporters. “We can talk all we want about vaccines and boosters but what clearly works is the National Football League’s playoffs. The league has reached a breakthrough, no pun intended.”

Fauci said the general public is at risk of contracting the Omicron variant, but the next step our society needs to take is securing a spot in the NFL playoffs, preferably a bye, and then continue to win games once there.

He marveled at the NFL’s commitment to player health during the most pivotal time in their season. “The NFL playoffs have truly cured this pandemic. I thank Roger Goodell for his commitment to solving this public health crisis and I look forward to him solving it again sometime January, and just in time for the Super Bowl, too! Wow!”

Controversy came, however, as players chimed in. Packers QB Aaron Rodgers said via The Pat McAfee Show that he had done his own research and would not be following Fauci’s guidelines to advance through the 2022 playoffs into the Super Bowl: “That nutjob can say whatever he wants but I’m much safer going on several podcasts every day than I am staying in the NFL playoffs. I just can’t trust that guy, he’s been corrupted by decades of trying to help people like me.”

Bills WR Gabriel Davis, also unvaccinated, was on the Covid-19/Reserve list in December but said the playoffs brought protection. “My team took precautions to make it this far, and because we’re in the playoffs I feel better than ever against covid. It allowed me to dominate….but Cole [Beasley] wasn’t convinced and said we should lose against Kansas City to own the libs or something. Apparently, he bribed our special teams coordinator not to squib the kick and now we’re headed home.”

At press time, free agent Antonio Brown said via I Am Athlete he was willing to protect himself against the disease by lying his way onto the Cincinnati Bengals’ roster.