Fantasy Gazette

Following another Head Coach cycle that produced less-than-stellar results for diversity and African-American hirings, the NFL announced Tuesday that – beginning in 2023 – the “Rooney Rule” would be expanding to include candidates who claim that “some of their best friends in the whole world” are black.

“This is truly an exciting time for diversity and inclusion,” said Roger Goodell. “Teams weren’t taking something seriously that we were forcing them to do, which was weird. This is going to be a gigantic win for African-Americans who are really good friends with the white guys that are getting hired.”

Some NFL teams were excited about the bonuses the expanded rule would include, like future 3rd-round rookie picks and salary cap bonuses. In order to bait promising candidates into admitting that they have some black friends, franchise owners around the league were updating their interview questions to include things like “Did you watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air as a teenager?” and “Are you a fan of that hippity-hop rap music the kids listen to these days?”

At press time, Chief Diversity and Inclusion Officer Jonathan Beane had just returned from a brief family vacation and told reporters: “What the hell is this?! I was on vacation, I didn’t approve this! Did nobody notice I was gone?!”