Fantasy Gazette

1. Christian McCaffrey, RB – Carolina Panthers

The RB1 overall from 2019 was purely dominant when healthy. Despite being retired for over 980 years and dead for over 900, you have to take the chance on him based on his PPG finishes the last time we saw him play.

2. Cleatus The Robot, RB – Seattle Seahawks

Fox’s digital mascot took the league by storm last year after being granted playing eligibility when The Uprising happened. Cleatus ran for 6,350 yards and 105 touchdowns in 3021. Can’t ignore that type of production.

3. Tom Brady, QB – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The ageless wonder enters his age one-thousand-and-forty-five season after finishing as last year’s QB1 overall and winning his 499th Super Bowl. He said it wasn’t enough to retire: “I need just one more ring to completely cover the last visible patch of dirt on Eli Manning’s grave,” Brady said.

4. Sir Nigel Reginald Fingerton, QB – London Blokes

Fingerton, a British chap, was selected #1 overall in this year’s expansion draft as London finally got a team. We quite fancy this quarterback out of Weschestershiretonville University, as good ol’ “Reggie Fingers” has what it takes to penetrate defenses, find the holes, and score at will. This bloody wanker can turn your fantasy team’s opponents to rubbish. Blimey!

5. Svetlana Markovski, FB – New York Jets

Turns out Russian women are unbelievably good NFL fullbacks. The Jets discovered this untapped potential with Markovski in 3015. She hasn’t rushed for less than 50 touchdowns in any season. Some critics have pointed out the entire Jets team is sexually intimidated in the locker room, though.

6. NikNik El-Zarbok13, TE – Washington All-Races

El-Zarbok13, or “Big Dick NikNik” as we all will one day lovingly call him, was actually born in Wichita, KS as a lowly wheat farmer with his 37 siblings. He’s never played football before, but ran a 1.37 second 40-yard dash at the combine and tested significantly above average on the cognitive functions test.

7. Antonio Brown, WR – somewhere inside Cryonics Institute

Brown hasn’t been seen in nearly 1,000 years, but the last message we have from him is an ominous note in magazine clippings that he will cryogenically freeze his body and “wreak some dope-ass havoc and shit” upon his “bitch-ass haters” when he gets out. AB incorrectly predicted he would escape 400 years ago, but just in case it’s this year he should be the first wide receiver off the board.

8. Todd Gurley, RB – Salt Lake City Rams

Gurley, 29 somehow, recently purchased mechanical knees from the new Amazon.com prosthetic warehouse because Jeff Bezos let him cut poor people in line. Oh, and the Rams are in Salt Lake City now because all their players died when California went underwater. Laaaame. But who cares about all those deaths? Back to fantasy football rankings!

9. Thor Odinson, QB – Asgard Texans

The NFL was pissed Asgardians were battling Frost Giants on Sundays instead of watching the NFL, and responded by relocating Houston’s franchise in 3009. Thor said Loki is finally dead this time and he can play quarterback. Commissioner Roger Goodell’s AI software has stated Thor is allowed to use the full range of his powers this season. We’re projecting him for 10,000 total yards and 96 defenders electrocuted to death.

10. Frank Gore III, RB – Miami Dolphins

Seriously what the hell is with this family’s genetics? Gore III enters his 117th season as a prime first-round choice.

11. Jhaxxon Xanderxan Parker-Johns, WR – Tesla City Lions

The whites got really carried away with name choices over the last thousand years. We think Parker-Johns might be the next Cooper Kupp.

12. Clyde Edwards-Helaire, RB – Kansas City Chiefs

It’s gonna work this time.