Fantasy Gazette

Rolling out of the pocket to his left on 4th-and-13 with defenders closing in on him, a professional quarterback who goes by the name “Kirk Cousins” rotated his body back to a throwing position, took a vicious hit from a 300-lb lineman and launched the ball sidearm down the left sideline. The ball was perfectly timed and placed in the back corner of the end zone for Justin Jefferson, giving his team an improbable comeback victory as time expired. Tragically, the quarterback was not named Patrick Mahomes, and not a soul on Earth gave a shit he threw the amazing game-winning touchdown pass on Sunday Night Football.

“Alright! We won! Did you guys see that?!” said Cousins in the locker room, unaware all of his teammates were on their smartphones watching “Patrick Mahomes 50 TOUCHDOWN SEASON FULL HIGHLIGHTS” on YouTube. “Oh yeah, neat pass Kirk,” said Justin Jefferson, who caught the game-winner one handed with a defender draped on him. “I kinda wish it was Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes II that threw it to me, but overall I guess it was okay, buddy,” said a melancholy Jefferson without breaking eye contact with the video of Mahomes throwing 50 touchdowns in a year.

Shortly after, SportsCenter begun airing highlights from the day’s worth of NFL action. The show’s host broke down every single one of Mahomes’ 45 pass attempts in a loss to Tennessee, praising each pass as a revolutionary type of QB play no one had ever seen before. SportsCenter and social media were abuzz talking about Mahomes inventing a throw called the “sidearm,” the same throw Cousins had just made himself. “Wait, what the hell?! I JUST did that throw! What do they mean he invented it? And [Matthew] Stafford did it like six times last week, I’m pretty sure.”

After telling Cousins to pipe down so he could watch Mahomes throw a bubble screen on the TV, running back Dalvin Cook was in awe as ESPN aired more clips of Mahomes’ new move, which they called the handoff. “Wow, look how he just gracefully puts the ball right in the running back’s chest….I wish our guy could do that,” said Cook, who received 27 handoffs from Cousins in the game just moments ago.

Social media users were in agreement that Mahomes’ efforts that day during a regular season loss were comparable to some of the game’s greatest of all time. @ChiefsGOATMahomes said “No body ever throw as good as Pat ever. Best QB ever HALL OF FAME!” and “EVEN his 2 INTERCEPTIONS WERE GOAT! Best QB ever HALL OF FAME!”