Fantasy Gazette

Tulsa, OK – Marshall Sarkisian, a local fantasy football player and stingy trader, announced on Sunday that he will only be accepting trades in which the value is overwhelmingly in his favor, but is willing to compromise on the premise you’ll let him sleep with your girlfriend. Your girlfriend, who Sarkisian has had an eye on since you introduced her to the league, is apparently enough of a draw for him to take a fantasy trade that leans in your favor.

“Yeah, she’s like a 9, 9 and a half,” Sarkisian said. “If you sent over a trade that’s a loss for me, I’d need a night of romancing your girlfriend to make up the deficit. I can’t just lose my top RB without you meeting me in the middle.”

At press time, Sarkisian offered his leaguemate a backup tight end in return for two top 10 WRs and a first round pick, but was countered with an even deal that included a date night to Chili’s and Disney-plus-and-thrust session with the man’s fiancée. Sarkisian has accepted the trade and is picking her up now, per sources.