Fantasy Gazette

NORWICH, VT – Every April, the NFL Draft showcases hopeful stars and their rise to the big leagues. We also hear how they got there, and it’s often riddled with difficulties, involving death, hard drugs, and divorce. This year, one rookie has had it the worst: he grew up in an affluent neighborhood with absolutely no major life issues at all. Worst of all, his parents have a fantastic marriage and never sold crack cocaine just to pay the rent. Yeah, we’re crying too.

Quentin Chesterbrook, a projected second-round pick, grew up in Vermont with his parents, Richard and Rebecca Chesterbrook. Richard is a freelance architect for Fortune 500 companies on the East Coast. Rebecca is a dental hygienist and yoga instructor. They have never been divorced and love each other very much, and neither pushed hard drugs like dope or heroin on the streets to help pay for Quentin’s school supplies.

Quentin attended Harvard University (his uncle works in the admissions office) and was able to have his story fly under the radar until now.

The first team to interview Quentin was the New York Jets. Head Coach Robert Salah told us after meeting with Quentin he was on the verge of tears. “We’ve never brought in someone who has been through that. Not only did his parents never sell crack cocaine, he never even watched a cousin or close friend get ran over by a garbage truck when he was 8 years old. Poor kid.”

Commanders Coach Ron Rivera echoed the league-wide sentiment that Chesterbrook has been through enough that he simply deserves to be playing on Sundays. “When you get the day-in, day-out guys, the grinders, the ones who took vacations to Fiji most summers in between sightseeing trips to Europe, those are the guys you use to build a culture. That’s what we want here in Washington. Did you know his parents never split, either? My goodness, that kid’s really something else.”

Soon, Roger Goodell will call out Chesterbrook’s name and shake his hand on stage. Quentin understands what that means for young men like him: “I would just say, from the bottom of my heart, you can make it. Y-you will be…okay,” he began, his voice breaking ever so slightly through the emotions. “When I came home and my parents made fresh snickerdoodles and surprised my sister and I with a winter trip to Breckinridge, I had to remind myself that one day I’d be a professional football player, and I could save us from all this. I did it for them. I did it for every kid out there with two living parents and a trust fund. It gets better. I’m the living proof.”

Some critics pointed out that Quentin’s upbringing may not bode well in the pros. At press time, Mel Kiper Jr. dropped Chesterbook to an undrafted-level prospect, stating that his lack of adversity would cause him to shy away from contact when catching passes over the middle.

Fantasy Gazette acknowledges the pain and strife detailed in this article. The emotional toll of reading this is not lost on us. If you or a loved one have been through a home that never became broken or handled the high-volume sale of heavy narcotics, know that we are here for you.