Fantasy Gazette

Allentown, PA – Local dynasty fantasy football player Spike Daniels is reportedly seeking a trade for a younger girlfriend, sources confirmed. Spike is looking to move on from his girlfriend, 29-year-old Lisa Knight. The two had been going steady for a couple years when Daniels realized the clock was ticking for him to find a younger woman or stick with this one until it’s too late.

“I did some research, and age 29 appears to be the cutoff for maximum girlfriend production,” Daniels said. “I’ve got to jump ship now and see if I can find someone with a younger girlfriend that would be willing to trade with me. If I wait any longer, nobody’s going to take her. It’s time for a rebuild.”

Daniels also said he is willing to part with a “first-round pick” in 2023 and 2024 in order to acquire a younger girlfriend, also known as “dibs” at Penn State University frat parties, where Daniels and his buddies still go to for some reason. If that won’t get the deal done, an additional second-round pick (dibs at Applebee’s during $4 Long Island Ice Tea nights) would be considered. If you’re interested in a trade and have a girlfriend in the age range of 23 to 25 years old, Spike has asked you contact him on Tinder or the Kik app, which we also just realized was still a thing.

“The reasons to move on are piling up. She told me she’s going to want a contract extension pretty soon. I certainly don’t want to pay up for that given her age,” said the dynasty-loving Daniels, referring to what most people just call a marriage proposal.