Fantasy Gazette

Manitowoc, WI – Local fantasy football player Desmond Payne has long been critical of NFL and fantasy articles that are “too long and boring” for him. That was, until, his favorite analyst decided to space out all the sentences one by one in a twitter “thread.”

“I really like how each sentence is on a new line. Articles have these things called paragraphs that make me feel like I have to read Pride and Prejudice after clicking a link. Now, I can support this guy by reading 58 of his tweets. That’s 57 more engagements than clicking one link so the algorithm feeds me more of his stuff and not everyone else’s stupid lame research they put a lot of effort into. NO. MORE. PARAGRAPHS!”

Threads have taken Twitter by storm after social media wizards found out they can get you to read dozens more tweets instead of just something with a “headline.” Now, threads keep you scrolling through hundreds of aesthetically spaced-out stats until a dramatic finish leads you to want to draft Chase Edmonds in the 9th round.

“Check out this one,” Payne said enthusiastically. “I have no idea who they’re hyping up with aDOT stats and YPRR and VORP% and JLPREG stats. Who is this wonderful WR they’re making me wait to the end to learn about? Oh, it’s Justin Jefferson! Huzzah!”

The 58-tweet thread culminated in a revelation that Justin Jefferson was worth a first round selection in draft picks.

Sorry for making you read an article to find that out.