Fantasy Gazette

AP – For the first time in his life, local man Gary Davenport has decided to play fantasy football. The district manager of his hometown Target was talked into his by his brother-in-law and their draft was held Friday night. Davenport was hardly able to research players in between stocking toilet paper and LEGO sets and managing which teenagers could come in on the weekends, but did recall a “football ball game” he watched the previous winter.

“I watched my first football match at Brent’s house on accident after our Two Broke Girls marathon ended and the buffaloes were playing the pointy arrows,” Davenport said unsurely. “But Jackson Mahomes is my favorite TikToker and turns out his brother was on the red team! How boss is that?”

Davenport recalled one of the “sportsmans” he was watching was named Gabriel Davis, and that he had “like a thousand receiving yards and some home runs or whatever” just in time to take the breakout candidate at the 1.06.

The room erupted in laughter. Davenport incorrectly assumed it was because the next person had drafted a player named Alvin.

At press time, Davenport selected Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes with his next two picks, filling out the entire rest of his roster with players from that game, both team’s defenses, and Harrison Butker.