Fantasy Gazette

SOMEWHERE INSIDE A STARBUCKS – A man was arrested for public rosterbation while on his laptop by local police early Monday morning, but officials say the damage had already been done. The man, who plays the popular online game “fantasy football,” had his draft held the previous evening and was reportedly rosterbating inside the popular coffee chain’s doors.

“It started out as simple groaning noises,” said an innocent bystander who was waiting on her foam latte. “Then I started hearing, ‘Mmm, yeah, right there, that’s where I f**king like it, Barkley in the third, oh god yes.’ It was really disturbing. He was sweating so profusely while repeating all the men’s names on his team and breathing heavier than a marathon runner on mile 26.”

Eyewitnesses said it didn’t end there. The man began bringing his laptop over to other patron’s tables and showing them all the dirty filthy selections he had made the night before. “Don’t lie, how hot is this sh*t right here?” said the man while revealing to an elderly couple he snagged George Kittle all the way in the back of the sixth round and was able to stack him with QB Trey Lance. “Oh God, I’m getting so worked up thinking about my Justin Tucker/Ravens Defense combo!” the man yelled just mere moments before police arrived on the scene.

While police escorted the man off the premises, the Starbucks regional manager came out to dispose of the laptop but immediately began gently massaging his nipples while seeing that the man’s roster contained Derrick Henry, Barkley, and AJ Dillon without compromising his wide receiver core.