Fantasy Gazette

NORFOLK, VA – Local accountant and fantasy football player Christian Campbell told reporters Wednesday he was going to check his cell phone for a quick six hours to update and manage his fantasy football rosters. A quick check-in to see which waiver claims he successfully made overnight at approximately 10:00 am will last until “roughly 4:00 pm, give or take,” Campbell confidently stated. “I know my big report is due later or whatever, but this is for the championship belt if I make the right moves, y’know? My boss can stick that report where the sun don’t shine if she thinks tha-DAMNIT! I didn’t get the running back I wanted. God, know I’ve got to hit the trade block and see if anyone’s desperate for my WR3, this day is turning into a whirlwind already.” Eyewitnesses say that Campbell worked straight through lunch on scouting the upcoming week’s weather updates for optimal atmospheric pressure for deep passes and wind conditions for his preferred kicker. Additionally, Campbell was seen urinating at his desk so as to not miss any valuable time reviewing snap count rates for his running backs in case he needed to send out a quick trade offer or two. At press time, Campbell failed to complete any of the day’s assignments, but was able to optimize his lineup with a streamer at the Tight End position who is going up against the 7th easiest defense against the position, a move he considered to be his best of the day.