Fantasy Gazette

Everyone that has ever walked God’s green Earth knows that fantasy football players are roughly 69 times more likely to participate in “the sex” or receive sexual favors than those who refrain from playing fantasy football. We all learn it at some point in middle school sexual education, I know I did!

We don’t know about you, but we have personally never met a fantasy football player not involved in regular, ongoing, and consensual sexual activities. We actually have entire storerooms of video and DNA evidence collected by our unpaid interns to prove it! (Don’t worry, the cops haven’t found our office building yet).

So instead of just simply showing you this evidence (DM for links) so it doesn’t go to waste, we wanted to share the deeper meaning, the philosophy behind this. Here’s why fantasy football players get way more action:

1. Fantasy Football players know not to get tied down, and are always looking for fill-ins. Who could be better in the sheets than people who sift through waivers for the best plug-and-plays?

2. Fantasy Football players are willing to trade with friends if it’s mutually beneficial. Fantasy players know who fits and where they fit best. They can assess your current situation and propose swaps to spice things up.

3. Fantasy Football players are used to spending money for a top-tier performer. It’s called FAAB on the apps, but cold hard cash in the real world. It speaks volumes, and they know who to pay for when it comes to getting results.

4. Fantasy Football players don’t care which team you play for. Doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, who you’ve been with, or what position you play. Fantasy football players know a good time when they see one.

5. Fantasy Football players are used to major disappointments. Perform poorly in the bedroom? They’ll give you 16 more chances. Pull a hamstring? Come back to see ’em in 4-6 weeks.

6. Fantasy Football players are hot as f*ck. The exuberant and over-the-top sexuality that oozes from a man (or woman) plopped on the couch from 1PM to 1130PM ET is often too much to bear, many have said. The finger strength and precision from working fantasy apps give them a superior pleasure dexterity that’ll blow your mind. The irresistibility of all the factors mentioned above often awaken ancient primal instincts in their lovers, causing an instant sexual tension from the moment you meet them. Next time you’re walking down the street and pass by a gentleman sending a couple trades out on Sleeper, go on ahead and wrap yourself around him right then and there. Then hang on for the ride of a lifetime.