Fantasy Gazette

Harrisburg, PA: 39-year-old Kaela Yost was subconsciously rubbing her left thumb against her now naked ring finger. Her gaze wandered off outside where her former husband, Tim, was loading the last of his belongings into a rented Penske truck. Their children Teagan, Kaegan, and Braeden looked on disappointedly, the Yost family’s legacy completely tarnished. “I mean, seriously, five losses in a row? What the hell? Honestly, I would have preferred he cheated on me,” Kaela said.

I caught up with Tim as he was about to leave. “She said what? Y’know what, doesn’t matter. I drafted with The Beast, and the season ain’t over. She’ll see.”

“The Beast” is a vintage 2008 Compaq Presario that was sitting in the passenger’s seat. Tim even put the seatbelt over it. “I’ve done every fantasy football draft on that baby, and she just got Windows 7. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” I would later return to the Yost household, but let’s see how Tim’s new living arrangements are. Tim and I took a ride to his new place.

The truck was almost as sad as Tim’s new life: small, dirty, and with a lingering stench of despair – despite most of his possessions already having been sold to cover the security deposit. The ride took roughly 35 minutes with a stop at a local Turkey Hill for coffee. “I know Sheetz and Wawa have better coffee, but the chick behind the counter loves my fantasy team, unlike Kaela” Tim added while wiping away a tear. Upon investigation, the young lady behind the counter looks like she has a “thing” for any breathing male customer, given there were five visible tattoos of male first names on her left forearm alone.

Arriving at Tim’s new home in the Camp Curtin neighborhood, he seemed in good spirits despite the studio apartment that he now called home. “Bachelor pad is the name of the game, Mikey!” he shouted at me, seemingly thrilled about his freedom. “You want a White Claw? No? Okay Puss Boy, suit yourself.” Tim stripped off his pants and got comfortable.

“It’s a fresh start for me, and my 0-5 team. She acts like its my fault my computer timed me out and I got Najee Harris instead of Cooper Kupp. Then there was the fight after Kyle Pitts started putting up lame duck numbers and she made me stop seeing the kids. Who needs her anyway?! He’ll rebound! Elite talent is elite talent!”

I pressed Tim on why he didn’t use a different computer, and his response was not shocking. “Used The Beast when I first got it in ’08, won the league. I’ve used it every year since. Haven’t won since, but that’s what they call positive regression, right? I couldn’t give up on my baby that quick. Pass me another Claw.”

Tim’s new life matched his 0-5 team, it seemed.

I caught up with Kaela the next day, her somber façade from the previous meeting gone. She had returned from Target and was ready to move forward. “It’s in the past now,” she said while arranging her bevy of pumpkins on the porch. “He could have listened to me and taken Lamar Jackson, but what do I know, I’m just a dumb broad, right? Anyway, the kids didn’t know why they stopped seeing him, but last night I told them the dipshit was 0-5 and they agreed his eviction was overdue.”

I pressed Kaela for what is next for the Yost family – and her reply left me at a loss for words. “To start, new names, new identities. Supervised visits for dad and a new house. No more modified zeroRB. No more third round tight ends. We’re going to thrive. Let me know when this gets printed.”

I called Tim the next day, concerned for his lack of empathy towards the situation. He answered disheveled. I could hear sirens in the background, but Tim’s focus was elsewhere. “Think I can play Greg Dortch this week, Mikey? I dropped Jamaal Williams for him. Dropped Khalil Herbert too and grabbed Deandre Hopkins. Gotta be ahead of the game!”

Good luck, Tim. 

Exclusive story by reporter Mike Bower, c. 2022. All rights reserved.