Fantasy Gazette

It was an ordinary night in the Carson household. After a routine chili-and-Scrabble night followed by any homework that needed completed and leftover cinnamon rolls from that morning, Michelle and David Carson did a routine bedroom check around the house. They didn’t expect to see what was on their 17-year-old son Beckett’s computer.

Beckett, who was still in the bathroom and unable to close the open browser tab, was busted. Michelle and David stood in the middle of the room, David tilting his head ever-so-provocatively at the screen and Michelle tapping her left foot aggressively against the hardwood floor.

“Son…do you want to explain to us what this is?” she began. This was an article that had been shared to the subreddit r/fantasyfootball promoting the ZeroRB draft strategy, in which fantasy football players wait several rounds before taking running backs to avoid higher risks of injury.

“You guys just don’t understand,” Beckett said. “Fantasy isn’t like it was when you guys were kids, there’s a-“

“Oh, great, here we go again. Let me stop you right there, son,” David interrupted. “You NEED running backs, okay? What were you thinking? You can’t use all your top picks on receivers, they have too much volatility!”

“Too much volatility, Dad?! What are you saying? I just lost Breece Hall and Javonte Williams for the year! I should have taken A.J. Brown and Courtland Sutton! I’ve been doing my own research and this is the future. Just leave me alone!”

David and Michelle were fearing they lost their son for good. The Zero RB cult has been gaining rapid traction over the years due to decreasing numbers in 1,000-yard rushers and the NFL shifting to pass-happier offenses. Beckett had been reading too many Denny Carter tweets, and had seen enough. He had become radicalized over the years, and the ACL tears his top running backs dealt with pushed him over the edge. He had a duffle bag ready to go on the bed, and he and his father both reached for it.

“You’re not going with those ZeroRB radicals and that’s FINAL! If you would’ve just drafted Nick Chubb or Austin Ekeler, you’d see how wrong this is! Why can’t you see that!” said a desperate David.

“No, dad! They’re at risk for ACL tears more than Justin Jefferson and Stefon Diggs, the data proves it! You’re not a member of the ZeroRB clan, you’re stuck in the past with the Jamal Lewises and Priest Holmes of the past, so just DIE ALREADY!!!”

The duffle bag hit the floor. Michelle’s jaw dropped as tears welled up their faces and Beckett picked up the bag and left the house, probably until the 2023 fantasy draft season. The ZeroRB cult had claimed another soul. Another tormented fantasy player radicalized by the internet into hating his parents and the way fantasy football should be played.

If this story resonated with you, share it today with a friend and keep your child off the internet bowels where ZeroRB lurkers are hoping to groom your children. Fantasy Gazette is with you in these dark times.