Colts Hire Undefeated Fantasy Football Player As New General Manager

INDIANAPOLIS, IN – The Colts aren’t done making moves yet.

Owner Jim Irsay welcomed former center Jeff Saturday as interim head coach earlier this week, and today announced the next General Manager: Brian Hartford, a local 9-0 fantasy football player.

“His record speaks for itself,” Irsay began in his press conference, one firm hand on Brian’s shoulder. “I mean, 9-0? The way this fantasy season’s going? This guy can construct a roster better than anyone in this room, I promise you that. The way Brian handled the loss of Breece Hall midseason through his waiver wire proves he has what it takes to get the Colts to the next level.”

Brian, who also does fantasy analysis under the moniker @BigBrainBrianFF, is certainly an underdog candidate. However, his reputation for making the playoffs without ever winning the actual league is the kind of high hopes the Colts are shooting for. He will replace Chris Ballard, who is just 3-6 in fantasy football this year.

“Ballard wasn’t getting it done on the digital field or the real one,” said Irsay. “His fantasy roster had Jonathan Taylor, Matt Ryan, and Colts D/ST on it. All those guys suck!”

Brian’s 9-0 start is a significant one, given that the Colts have never hired an undefeated fantasy football player as General Manager before. They’ve never hired a fantasy player at all, but the former statement is still true.

“Honestly, I’m not sure how this happened,” Brian told us. “I auto-drafted because I got too drunk before the draft and somehow I’m 9-0, then [Jim Irsay] calls me and says I’m hired. I was going to turn it down before he told me the salary included FAAB. My first move is to trade all my linemen and defensive players for more running backs.”

Brian has his work cut out for him, but it sounds like everything’s going swimmingly in Indy.

At press time, Irsay announced two new hires: a Madden tournament semi-finalist as Director of Player Personnel and the Play60 commercial kid as the new Quarterback.

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