Fantasy Gazette

MACON, GA – The good news? A local fantasy football analyst named Derek is now verified on Twitter. The bad news? His net worth is now steadily declining at exactly $8.00 per month.

“I bought the verification to step up in the industry, because I’m not pathetic like some people,” said Derek. “I actually SUPER care about fantasy football. This proves that, you dipshits. However, I did add up all my revenue from articles I write for fantasy websites, my personal podcast, and my Patreon subscriptions and that brought me to zero dollars, so I’m currently eight bucks in the hole. I’m sure that’s all over now with Elon boosting my clickbait threads.”

It’s worth noting that this analyst’s takes were remarkably shitty before he paid $8.00 for a blue check mark from Daddy Musk and decided to “officially commit to the grind” (his words). Even we at the Gazette have to admit now that he’s actually putting some serious money down and INVESTING into his craft…that’s a business decision not everyone is bold enough for.

“I used to be just some ordinary guy who was way too high on Najee Harris,” Derek said. “Now, I’m a professional analyst who was way too high on Najee Harris and I have a fuggin’ checkmark, baby.”

At press time, Derek had sent out over 400 tweets antagonizing unverified accounts for their lack of dedication and business stature.