Fantasy Gazette

CLEVELAND, OH – Moments after a much-needed overtime victory against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Browns fans were innocently celebrating across FirstEnergy Stadium in Cleveland when a shocking tragedy struck. Jackson Worhauser, a 16-year-old seeing his very first Browns game, was drilled in the back of the head by a heat-seeking Microsoft Surface tablet that was errantly thrown from somewhere in the stadium.

Many nearby Browns fans were too busy downing Coors Lights and cigarettes to notice where the tablet came from, but a quick Yahoo! search led many to believe the culprit was none other than Bucs QB Tom Brady, who has a history of launching Surface tablets through the air following turnovers or bad drives.

“Oh, shit, someone got hit with what? A…tablet? Did I say that right? I’m not a millennial so I’m bad with technology [laughs]. Man, I’m super sad and stuff about that,” Brady said in an impromptu press conference Monday. “Sounds like he was rooting for the wrong f**king team, though.”

Worhauser’s family was unavailable for comment, but his father did remark it didn’t even crack the top 5 coolest deaths he’d experienced at a live Browns game.