Fantasy Gazette

Eugene, OR – Speaking to reporters Friday about his 109-45 defeat in the 11th place game in his fantasy football league, first-time contender Rick Eidelman stated he was completely caught off guard by the disappointing season.

“Honestly, I thought my first season would be different,” Eidelman said disappointedly. “I did everything right. I studied for nine minutes before the draft, pounded some Coors, picked my guys and then logged into the fantasy app a grand total of five times the rest of the year. Haven’t checked it since September. I even had Oregon’s greatest hero, Marcus Mariota, as my QB. Just weird that I didn’t even make playoffs. Waivers? No, I’m not sure what that is. Why do you ask? Wait, what are bye weeks? Hang on, one question at a time.”

Eidelman said his friend Darren had been talking him into playing with them for years, and finally got up the courage this year to try it out. Eidelman was not told that fantasy football required more than 90 minutes of focus during the draft. He didn’t set his lineup all year, even when players had bye weeks.

“I tried to follow some analysts, but they were all talking about Targets Per Route Run and Kicker rankings back in August, nobody told me how to run my team so I just set-it-and-forget-it. Guess it took a little more than that.”

At press time, Eidelman was purging his digestive system in preparation for a 24-hour stay inside a Waffle House.