BREAKING: NFL Will Allow Defenders To Use Guns Since Players Who Wanted To Break The Law And Bring One Would Have Anyway

In conjunction with the NFLPA and Competition Committee, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced a bizarre new rule to take effect beginning immediately: defenders will be allowed to use firearms of any kind on the football field to stop ballcarriers. The rule was voted to pass unanimously after someone brought up the unbreakable logic that any players who truly wanted to use assault rifles on the field, despite it being in clear violation of the law and NFL rules, would’ve simply done so anyway.

“This was truly one of those no-brainers,” Goodell said. “I mean, just imagine it. A crazy madman who plays middle linebacker in our league wants to bring a few AR-15s and submachine guns to make crucial stops on 3rd down. What are we gonna do? Just tell him it’s illegal? That won’t work. He would have just shot that RB with a full magazine no matter what our rules say. There’s really nothing else we can do.”

Like cowards, offensive players expressed concerns over letting just anybody walk on the field and light them up with bullets mid-game. “I mean, shouldn’t we maybe say they can’t bring them here? Or stop a Free Safety from buying one at Wal-Mart in the first place? Good God, what happens if someone from the Raiders gets their hands on one?!” one anonymous player said.

Supporters of the new rule were quick to ridicule those opposed, saying if they didn’t want their favorite players to get unalived during the opening kickoff, they should just “man up about it” or “leave the country.” In addition, they said all offensive players should get machine guns to maximize their own personal safety. Even more so, if all the coaches, trainers, drunken fans, chain operators, security guards, scoreboard technicians, announcers, and mascots would bring fully automatic rifles to the games, it would practically guarantee a good, clean NFL game.

At press time, Congresspeople around the country gave their “thoughts and prayers” to NFL players who may one day be victims of defenders with guns, but that they wouldn’t be stepping in to remove guns from games. This came shortly after all of Congress bet on every “under” for the upcoming NFL season just before Vegas oddsmakers found out about the new rule.

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