Fantasy Gazette

Announced by Wisconsin Athletics Monday, the Badgers’ home stadium will be selling alcoholic beverages for the first time during its 2024 football season. Coincidentally, EA Sports released an immediate update to the hit release College Football 25, with Camp Randall as the new toughest stadium to play at in the entire game.

According to EA, the change was warranted. One member of the development team stated post-update, “Nothing can stop those rowdy fuckers from sobering up now. Sure there’s college drunk, but then there’s Wisconsin college drunk. Players will be utterly screwed when they digitally arrive in Madison.”

EA Sports’ latest patch will include the following update when playing at Wisconsin:

• The user’s headphone or television volume will increase by a base level of 25 decibels at all times.
• Complete removal of the kicking meter, a true “blackout” feeling.
• Players will now slip and slide due to projectile vomit launched by the fans.
• Any given snap has a 7% chance of a full Miller Lite can hitting your QB, knocking him out of the game.
• Bucky Badger will also be drunk and can legally line up as a 12th defender

Some Badger gamers hope that the publicity from this move, combined with increased concessions sales, will be enough to earn the licensing rights to include the hit song “Jump Around” in the actual game. Streamer ‘RapGameRonDAYNE99’ on Twitch said: “I’m just excited to chug an entire pint of Guinness in my apartment to the best Irish American Hip Hop song of all time.”

Unfortunately for the fans of the real University of Wisconsin, the Badgers still have a 0.1% chance of winning this year’s National Championship, according to projections regarding the actual football being played.