Fantasy Gazette

To avoid injuries, the Dallas Cowboys and LA Chargers have decided to rest all of their players for the entire game in this Saturday’s preseason game in Dallas.

“It just makes no sense to play anyone in this game,” said Cowboys coach Mike McCarthy. “Why take the chance of losing players to injury in a meaningless game? Did you see what happened to JJ McCarthy against the Raiders. Done for the season.”

So, McCarthy put an ad on Craigslist seeking replacement players to play on Saturday.

WANTED: FOOTBALL PLAYERS: No experience required, we will train. Competitive pay, $18 to $20 per hour. Must be able to lift and tackle heavy objects. Occasional travel required. Must work nights and weekends. Must sign waiver agreeing not to sue if maimed, injured, or killed. Job is temporary, but could lead to more work.

“We were pleasantly surprised with the response,” said McCarthy said. “We got like 150 applications, even a few ladies.”

McCarthy and his staff whittled down the list and signed 50 players for Saturday’s game, including former Cowboy Terrell Owens.

“Hell, yeah I’m playing,” said the 50 year old Owens. “I’m still better than half the receivers in the NFL. Get me the damn ball, I don’t care whose throwing it to me, I’ll catch it.”

For the record, Tom Striker, a DoorDash delivery driver and dogwalker from Fort Worth, has been named the starting quarterback for the Cowboys Saturday.

Chargers coach Jim Harbaugh is taking a similar approach.

“Are you crazy?” said Harbaugh when asked if he was going to play any players on the roster in this game. “This is a violent game. I don’t want any of my players getting hurt in a meaningless game. It could ruin our season.”

Harbaugh also advertised for replacement players, but on Facebook Marketplace, not Craigslist.

“Facebook Marketplace is way better than Craigslist,” said Harbaugh. “The only people on Craigslist these days are murderers and criminals looking for their next mark. On Facebook, I got tons of interest from old girlfriends and former high school classmates.”

In fact, the kid who was voted class clown at Harbaugh’s high school, Ted Oliver, is going to be quarterback against the Cowboys. And his senior prom date, Larissa Majors, has signed on to play safety for the Chargers Saturday.

Harbaugh also signed Penn and Teller to play linebacker.

“Penn is a beast, he was crushing people this week in practice” said Harbaugh. “Teller is a bit undersized, but he’s a good listener and doesn’t say much, which I like. I’m just thankful both decided to take a break from their show at the Rio to help us out.”

Kickoff is Saturday at 4:00 p.m. ET in Arlington.