Fantasy Gazette

It’s finally here: fantasy football draft week. This week, millions of Americans will be partaking in our glorious annual tradition, kicking off the obsession that will consume the next five months of their life. 

Draft night sets the tone for your entire season, so it is essential to be locked in and completely focused. Here is a checklist of things you’ll need for Draft Night 2024.

#1: Alcohol

To dull the pain from last year’s draft. Remember when you thought first-round RB was a good idea?

#2: Pillows

To muffle your screams when you get sniped. Remember, the league cannot know your draft plans have been ruined. Keep it together, stupid!

#3: Drugs

The Jardiance, Skyrizi, and Ozempic jingles are so catchy, so I asked my doctor about them. When taken together, they can help you actually smell the values on your draft board.

#4: Stuffed Crust Pizza and Hot Wings

As a little treat for all the Ozempic you’re taking now (see #3).

#5: A Dark, Hidden Place In Your Basement

You’ll be safe from demons here when you wait too long on QB and are forced to root for Deshaun Watson’s success.

#6: Snacks

Good & cheap & throwable. You can use them to harm your leaguemates!

#7 Old Jerseys Of Bad Players

Mac Jones, Ezekiel Elliott, and Laviska Shenault jerseys can be used as napkins and paper towels to clean up all that pizza and wings.

#8 Shame

Why did you agree to this? Why do I feel so incomplete when this is over? Am I just a gambling addict? Is the $120 grand prize really worth all this? What’s my place in this world? Will I ever be truly happy unless I win this league? Should I have gone to the park with my kids today? Which religion is the right one? Was Kyren Williams a one-hit wonder? When will the pain stop?