Fantasy Gazette

Week 8 of the NFL Season is in the books and it was a week filled with a thrilling Hail Mary, a Woody Johnson, a Calvin Ridley mindfuck, and lots of tight ends. Here are the recapped headlines you need to know:

Lots of Entendres

The Patriots ended their six game losing streak beating the Jets 25-22. After the game, despondent Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers had a blunt response to the loss, saying: “The NFL is hard. It’s even harder when you are forced to work underneath a Woody Johnson.”

I Hate You, Calvin Ridley

Yes, this headline is personal. Titans receiver Calvin Ridley continues to fuck with me on purpose. He made me lose again, this time by putting up huge numbers on my bench. I can’t even tell you how many points he scored — I’m too disgusted to think about it. He has directly cost me at least two games this season. I’m not sure what he has against me and why he hates me, but now he’s in my head, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even care that this headline doesn’t affect you, dear reader, but you must know my burning rage.

National Long Snappers Day

For those who celebrate, Sunday was National Tight Ends day, a day completely made up a few years ago by Niners Tight End George Kittle. And the TEs delivered, with many having incredible statlines. Unfortunately, this opened a Pandora’s Box. Now, others players want to create their own days, so in the coming weeks, be prepared for:

National Long Snappers Day

National Performance Enhancing Drug Violators Day

National Suspended for Conduct Unbecoming to the League Day

National Guys Who Stupidly Line Up In the Neutral Zone Day

National Overpaid First Round Busts Day

National Creepy Owners Day

National Cowboys Eliminated From The Playoffs Day 

Bears Coach Eberflus Confused

Jayden Daniels threw a 65 yard Hail Mary to lead the Commanders to an 18-15 win over the Bears. Daniels couldn’t have done it without Bears goofball Tyrique Stevenson, who was dancing along the sidelines during the play and tipped the ball up so Noah Brown could catch the game winner. But the real blame lies with Bears coach Matt Eberflus, who got confused and accidentally called a basketball play, as his Hail Mary defense involved “boxing guys out,” selecting Stevenson to “tip off,” and running a 2-3 Zone.

Lose, Yourself

It took the Browns eight weeks to start the best quarterback on their team, Jameis Winston. Karma thankfully ended that for us all and now the Browns seem to have a functioning offense, as they beat the Ravens 29-24 and scored more than 20 points for the first time this season. Winston, who threw for 334 yards and 3 TDs, drew inspiration from rapper Eminem, citing the lyrics to the song “Lose Yourself” after the game. It is far better than the song Watson listened to for inspiration, “Creep” by Radiohead. 

Richardson Exhausted

Indianapolis Colts quarterback Anthony Richardson tapped out of a play during a key third quarter drive in the Colts 23-20 loss to the Texans. Richardson said he was tired and needed a breather. Colts fans said they wouldn’t mind if Richardson needed a breather until 2025 so 39-year-old Joe Flacco can come in and do his thing.