Fantasy Gazette

Following yet another vicious brawl in the stands during a game, the NFL and NFLPA announced a joint statement during a press conference this week. The parties are hoping to put a swift end to the violence, and announced their recommendation during the event, which is that everyone going to NFL games should bring a gun for self-defense.

“We are tired of seeing perpetual violence between fans in our stadiums,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. “Starting this Sunday, all of our metal detectors and ‘No Guns Allowed’ signs will be removed. All patrons should be equipped with lethal weaponry in order to stop this violence. We want to commend the Dallas Cowboys and their fans for getting a five-year head start on this initiative.”

The idea behind this movement is backed by unshakable logic. Fans of opposing teams are too comfortable shouting profanities at each other and engaging in fisticuffs. This behavior will end when the brawlers point their guns at each other and realize the fighting has gone too far. They’ll then simply return to cheering on their team and downing more hot dogs.

“In theory, this should perfectly shut down all violence,” Goodell continued. “All sober fans are able to properly handle their weapons by thuggishly lifting one side of their Raiders or Steelers jersey to reveal a tucked-away gun in their waistband. This move will strike fear in the heart of someone involved in the fight. That person likely is already six beers in and will either mishandle their gun or completely forgot they brought it, y’know, ’cause of the alcohol.”

It’s also a numbers game. Sure, one Patriots fan may have died as the result of a fight earlier this year, but look on the bright side: tens of thousands of people made it out of Gillette Stadium perfectly alive and unharmed. So is the fighting really that bad? That fight could’ve been stopped if all 65,876 people in Foxborough not involved in the deadly battle had simply pulled out a Springfield Armory Hellcat in unison and pointed them at the two men fighting until a peaceful resolve could be found.

At press time, NFL Gun Safety Liason Plaxico Burress reported that of everyone at M&T Bank Stadium watching the Ravens/Browns divisional game, only the fans in the luxury suites made it out alive.