Fantasy Gazette

LAS VEGAS, NV – After the Las Vegas Raiders recently announced rookie QB Aidan O’Connell would be their starter moving forward, Jimmy Garoppolo has come forward to state he is going to mew “harder than ever before” to regain the starting position. For the unfamiliar, “mewing” is a new internet craze in which you alter the position of your tongue or other facial muscles to produce a stronger and more attractive jawline. Garoppolo is doing just that for the betterment of the Raiders franchise. “I let my teammates down the first half of this season,” Garoppolo stated. “They need me to get on the right track, so I’m in the gym every day mewing my way back to the helm. I’ll mew whatever it takes.” WR Davante Adams said he has already noticed a difference in the handsome signal-caller: “Jimmy hadn’t been shaping his jawline like he was in the San Francisco days, but now when he underthrows me on my route, I’m swept off my feet by his piercing eyes and perfect chin.” Other Raiders players acknowledged that Garoppolo’s facial symmetry and handsomeness meant they desired social approval from him, and weren’t willing to compromise that by critiquing him. At press time, Garoppolo had thrown his fourth interception in practice, but when he took his helmet off in anger, the natural light was beaming off his tan skin in a way that distracted every single player and coach from the terrible pass he had thrown.