Fantasy Gazette

The NFL has big plans for the game in Cleveland this weekend, a source close to the situation told the Gazette. The Arizona Cardinals are facing Browns this Sunday and both teams had quarterback uncertainty this week. According to our source, these “injuries” were staged as part of a larger plot.

Kyler Murray and Deshaun Watson are young, talented, and highly paid. But they have issues. “These guys should be the faces of our league. But unfortunately, as humans, they both suuuuuuck,” our source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, told us in an exclusive phone interview. “I mean, they get booed more than I do when I come on stage for the NFL Draft!”

Murray has a reputation as an introvert who lacks passion for the sport. He is also an avid gamer, which some speculate detracts from his focus on football. Watson, of course, was suspended the first 11 games of last season following accusations of sexual misconduct by 24 different women. Our legal team insists that we mention Watson was not found guilty in a court of law…but come on. “These are two guys the mainstream media should love: young, dynamic, athletic, and non-white! Instead, we’ve got an emo gamer boy and [expletive] Harvery Weinstein, Jr.! It’s a huge blemish on the NFL, of which I am commissioner,” our anonymous source lamented.

The NFL turned to its script writing team to brainstorm a solution. It’s widely known that the NFL scripts most of its major storylines. The Patriots win the Super Bowl the year of the 9/11 attacks? New Orleans wins the home opener after Hurricane Katrina?? And these are supposed to be just coincidences? Sure, Jan.

The league’s writing team realized that a surprise romance between on-field rivals might be just the thing to endear these troubled signal callers to the public. “Think Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail,” our source said. “People eat that sh*t up. We anticipate Murray-Watson will be even bigger than Swift-Kelce!” They even hired British screenwriter Richard Curtis (Notting Hill, Love Actually) as a consultant.

According to our source, it was Curtis who insisted on the injury designations for the players. “He said it would build tension, leave the audience wondering if they’d end up meeting,” our source informed us. “He even said, ‘Roger, let’s have the bird-team coach wait until the day before the game to announce whether or not the little one will play.’ I told him, ‘No one ever does that, it’ll make Jonathan Gannon is even more ridiculous than he already does,’ but he insisted!”

The plan will culminate on the field Sunday. Our source gave some examples of ideas the writing team put together. “We do like to give our actors–er, players–some leeway. In fact, most of the time teams used to spend doing padded practice in training camp is now used for improv classes. But we did workshop some ideas with the guys. We’re thinking Deshaun gets pushed out of bounds at the end of a run, and falls right on top of Kyler. At first they’re both mad, but we want the audience to see some sexual tension there. Later, we want to have them arguing about a call on the field. Then they take their helmets off, their eyes meet, and whoever is yelling trails off, lost in his opponent’s eyes. Oh, and this one is my favorite: they both reach for a football, their hands touch, and sparks fly!”

It looks like we will have to tune in Sunday to see exactly how it unfolds. But we are sure we speak for all of America when we say we hope they’ll be swapping more than jerseys at the end of the game!