Fantasy Gazette

Remember when the end of the NFL regular season meant a break from fantasy? Nine months of spending time with your family, reconnecting with friends, enjoying outdoor activities, and putting 100% effort in at work. Just imagining it makes me want to vomit until my eyes bleed.

Thankfully, we have Best Ball drafts to scratch our fantasy itch. Players simply draft a team and their highest score is automatically calculated. Now we can easily draft hundreds–or even thousands–of teams throughout the offseason, while losers like Bob from Accounting use the raises they earned to golf or take their ugly kids to see Trolls: Band Together.

You’re not like Bob, though. You’re reading this article. Good for you, slut. Load up that in-app wallet and check out our top 10 Best Ball tips.

TIP 1: THE STACK ATTACK

You will want to grab players from the same team in the event of a high-scoring game. This should be done on all your drafts and with no exceptions.

TIP 2: DIAMONDS IN THE ROUGH!?

Drafters who win at best ball need to find great values late in the draft. With a little bit of research, you’re definitely going to find this year’s Puka Nacua.

TIP 3: THE BATHROOM BLITZ!!!!!!

Your frequent Best Ball drafting will be noticed. Your spouse might say things like: “Why are you on that app so much?” or “Did you lie when you said best ball was free?” At that point, it’s best to start drafting in the bathroom for privacy. Tell your loved ones you developed ulcerative colitis, pay an actor to impersonate your doctor at the 4th of July cookout, and then offer him 10% of your winnings.

TIP 4: ROOKIE BONANZAAAAA!!

Rookies almost always hit in Best Ball. 22-year-olds are the new 29-year-olds, boomer. Since NFL veterans always suck, get all the rookies you can, including undrafted free agents!

TIP 5: THE MOOLAH MOVE-AROUND!!!!

Whoops, you overdrafted your account on Best Balls and now you can’t afford to take your family out to eat or buy little Charlie a pair of shoes. It’s okay, it happens when you’re dedicated to the grind! Here’s how to get out of it: Get an extra hundred dollars of cash back with every grocery store visit, and deposit that cash into the account. “Groceries are so expensive, can you believe inflation these days, babe?” Your family’s finances will thank you because you got Drake London six picks past ADP.

TIP 6: A RISING TIDE LIFTS ALL BOATS AND SHIPS AND BOATS!?!?!?

The best offenses score the most points, giving a larger “pie” of yards and touchdowns for its players to split. Target high-scoring offenses, and don’t worry about competition for touches!

TIP 6: THE OUT-OF-TOWNER UNO REVERSE CARD SPECIAL…!!

Gambling addictions are very serious, and some states impose limits on fantasy gaming activity. If your state is concerned enough for your well being that they have locked you out of making transactions, simply plan a trip to a different state! Open an account under a different name with a different e-mail address, just in case states talk to each other. If traveling is not feasible, find a friend who’s not too worried about identity theft and open an account using their information. Friends being stupid lame jerks about it? Put an ad on Craigslist seeking the use of someone’s personal information in exchange for a reasonable one-time fee…or….. favors.

TIP 7: LOOK OUT…FOR THE WR AVALANCHE!!!!!!1

Make sure to secure a decent amount of wide receivers. Try 5-7 reliable pass-catchers and 2-3 high-upside guys.

TIP 8: THE BONNIE AND *GASP* CLYDE!?..?!!.

Eventually, the money will run out. But that doesn’t mean you should have to stop drafting Best Ball teams! You can’t give up now! If you don’t have Best Ball drafts…I don’t even want to think about it. Seriously. It’s dark. … So anyway, rob a bank. Or if that’s too risky, just do one of those Nigerian prince or Walmart gift card scams. Your conscience may not love it, but it will be worth it when you finally get CeeDee Lamb and Marvin Harrison, Jr. on the same team!

TIP 9: THE ISOLATION.

Did they ever really love us? Or was it simply a matter of convenience? Did we fill a role? I look at them…and I don’t even feel like I know them. Where did the last ten years of my life go? Who are these people living in my house? Of course we cannot stay. None of this is real, and they will be better off without us. We have nothing to offer them. It’s time to stop pretending. We pack our bags and leave in the dead of night, drive until morning. Make a new life in some one-horse town. A dingy apartment where we can pay rent in cash, weekly, from what we earn flipping burgers at the truck stop. Days spent working. Nights spent multi-tabling the Pomeranian 7 while experimenting with 2-4-8-4 builds from a hyperfragile start. (Don’t worry if you don’t understand yet. You will. Soon.)

TIP 10: HAVE FUN!!!!! 🙂

After all, that’s what fantasy football is all about!