Fantasy Gazette

BOSTON, MA – After struggles in 2023 that resulted in having the statistically worst offense in the NFL, the New England Patriots have decided to not field an offense at all this upcoming season.

Rookie head coach Jarod Mayo, a former Patriots linebacker and defensive coordinator, believes having no offense gives the Patriots the best chance to win.

“Look, we suck, and we know it,” said Mayo. “Our offense is beyond abysmal with literally no talent. Yes, we drafted Drake Maye. But, in my experience as a Patriot, you need a Tom Brady-level guy to win, so it’s kinda not worth it to let the kid try.”

We asked Mayo if he’s worried about hurting the wide receiver room’s morale, but he said he wasn’t sure who they were anyway.

“One guy goes by KB, I think. Then there’s Rookie #1 and Rookie #2. JaJu…Poopoo…Grogu Smith-Booster? Yeah, he’s another one,” said Mayo. “Beyond that, I have no friggin’ idea. And don’t even ask me about running backs.”

Given the complete lack of talent, Mayo believes that running out the offense every possession will just be a detriment.

“Best case scenario, we go 3-and-out,” said Mayo. “But the more likely scenario is we get strip sacked, throw an interception, or butt fumble. It will be a net negative for us to field an offense. Did you know we had six games where we scored 7 or fewer points last season? Not playing offense at all is best for the families with young children watching at home.”

Instead, the plan is to just kneel three times and punt. It may sound boring, but it virtually assures that there are no turnovers and that Drake Maye or Jacoby Brissett don’t end up hospitalized.

“Simply put, having no offense on the field to screw things up is going to give us the best chance to win this season. And if we lose, so be it – we’ll draft another quarterback next year. One that likes kneel downs.”