Fantasy Gazette

MIAMI, FL – Late in the 3rd quarter of Miami’s Thursday Night Football loss to the Buffalo Bills, quarterback Tua Tagovailoa exited the game with a concussion. Tagovailoa is no stranger to this type of injury, as the signal-caller has dealt with significant (and at times, infamous) concussions. The Dolphins medical staff may have hit a breakthrough, however.

John Uribe, the team’s lead physician, confirmed his suspicions in the training room after Tagovailoa joined him. “Following a rigorous amount of research, we discovered Tua just needs his brain caved in an even number of times, kinda like Beavis and Butthead or Roadrunner,” Uribe said. “So I started hitting him with a frying pan, you know, for science. 1 hit, he’s out cold. 2 hits, back to normal. 3 hits, he forgets what colors and shapes are. 4 hits, he has the memory recall of Sean McVay and that Rainbolt guy that plays Geoguessr combined. Eureka!”

Despite the fact it was too late to usher Tagovailoa back onto the field, the Dolphins happily know what they need to do moving forward. Team ball boys will be equipped with frying pans, hammers, anvils, and baseball bats should Tagovailoa be hit too hard in the head the rest of the season. Once he’s on his feet, a ball boy will be right there to deliver a balance-restoring blow to the cranium, fixing Tagovailoa’s brain.

At press time, Tagovailoa had been medically pronounced dead after being sacked by teammate Calais Campbell during practice, but after being struck with a team-approved skateboard, recited the entire King James Bible in reverse and then delivered a perfect back-shoulder throw to Jaylen Waddle to finish the two-minute drill.