MRI Machine Says Deshaun Watson Pressured It To Scan Further Up His Leg
Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson has been accused of harassment by a Cleveland MRI Machine, a source tells us.
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Good Luck With That: Deshaun Watson Trying To Argue Sack He Took Should Have Been Penalized Because He Didn’t Give Consent
Browns QB Deshaun Watson tried to argue the sack he took by holding onto the ball too long was unfair, per sources.
Read moreNews From The Future: Mark Andrews “Looking Like His Old Self” At 2025 Ravens Training Camp
BALTIMORE, MD – Ravens TE Mark Andrews is looking like his old self again as the Ravens opened training camp this week, a reporter from the future tells Fantasy Gazette. Andrews will be over a year removed from his tightrope procedure that he had done between the 2023 and 2024 seasons. The procedure slowed him down in 2024, we all
Read moreFBI Discovers Trevor Lawrence Voodoo Doll In Urban Meyer’s Office
FOX HQ – Following a thorough investigation, FBI agents raided the office of FOX analyst Urban Meyer, and as suspected, discovered a Trevor Lawrence voodoo doll in a desk drawer. “That’s not mine, I’m holding it for a friend,” a visibly guilty Meyer said, sweating profusely. “The fingerprints that are mine on there are someone else’s, by the way.” According
Read moreDolphins Say Tua Tagovailoa Just Needs Hit In Head Even Number Of Times Like Cartoon Character
The Miami Dolphins medical team confirmed that Tua Tagovailoa’s concussion issues will be fixed by being bashed in the head an even number of times.
Read moreChargers Plan Ahead, List JK Dobbins As Out For Week 2
LOS ANGELES – Killing two birds with one stone, new Chargers head coach Jim Harbaugh announced to the press today running back J.K. Dobbins will be out for their Week 2 clash with Carolina, despite the team not having played their Week 1 game yet. “We’re just facing the facts,” said Harbaugh. “There’s just no way he makes it through
Read moreC.J. Stroud Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare Where He Played Quarterback Without Being Gifted 3 Superstar Wide Receivers
HOUSTON, TX – “OH SHIT, OH FUCK” screamed a remarkably sweaty C.J. Stroud as he jolted up from his bed. The Houston Texans star quarterback had recently suffered a nightmare of unimaginable horrors – having to play at the helm of a professional football team that did not gift-wrap him several elite wide receivers. “It was worse than anything I’ve
Read moreAaron Rodgers Back In As Vice President After Learning RFK Jr. Also Hates Bears
NEW YORK – Despite making headlines throughout last NFL season on his speedy recovery from a torn achilles and his long-awaited return to football, New York Jets starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers is reconsidering his position and may in fact change his mind about being Robert F. Kennedy Jr’s running mate. The reason? Rodgers learned over the weekend that Robert F.
Read moreAll Chargers Players Except Quentin Johnston Out Sick Today After Catching Colds
LOS ANGELES, CA – The Los Angeles Chargers entire roster has been infected with a strain of an aggressive cold and will miss today’s practice, per source. However, this does not include WR Quentin Johnston. After the sinus/respiratory illness swept through the organization, Johnston was simply unable to catch the cold his teammates did. “Just couldn’t reel this one in,”
Read moreFlorida Man Accidentally Wins Lottery
MIAMI, FL – A Florida man has accidentally won the $212,000,000 jackpot being held at Hard Rock Stadium, according to a source. The man, identified as Tua Tagovailoa, had accidentally been made the starting quarterback of the Dolphins in 2020, and has been innocently pretending to be a superstar QB while not knowing what he’s doing or how he got
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