Fantasy Gazette

Each NFL season brings an element of uncertainty and mystery that fantasy players and regular people alike need to keep an eye on. Fantasy Gazette is proud to provide you with clarity here, and ask the real questions that you need to evaluate as the season approaches. Without further adieu, each NFL team’s burning question for the year of our Lord 2023:

Baltimore Ravens: Which first-round receiver will get the most targets: the old af guy, the always-injured guy, the rookie guy, or the Nelson Agholor guy?

Buffalo Bills: There’s a massive redzone role up for grabs: will Damien Harris overtake elder statesman Latavius Murray as the running back who gets to help push Josh Allen into the end zone?

Cincinnati Bengals: Who in the State Attorney’s office is Mike Brown blowing to keep Joe Mixon out of prison?

Cleveland Browns: How many times will Deshaun Watson be saddled with guilt and PTSD midgame when someone is penalized for Illegal Use of Hands?

Miami Dophins: Who among Tyreek Hill, Jaylen Waddle, Devon Achane, and Raheem Mostert can run the fastest to get the independent neurologist before Tua Tagovailoa is deemed medically decapitated?

New England Patriots: Is this finally the year that Bill Belichick proves to all the doubters once and for all – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that he does, in fact, have severe dementia?

New York Jets: How enraged will fantasy managers of Garrett Wilson, Breece Hall, Dalvin Cook, and Allen Lazard be in week 17 when a defensive slugfest in Cleveland results in Aaron Rodgers hyper-targeting and throwing a pair of TDs to Randall Cobb?

Pittsburgh Steelers: Can Kenny Pickett make the second-year growth in hand size?

Houston Texans: This question is for C.J. Stroud, factoring his abysmal S2 cognition score: MR STROUD, CAN U PLEASE THROW MANY PASS TO JOHN METCHIE? I HAVE HIM IN LOT OF LEAGUE THANK YOU.

Jacksonville Jaguars: How long will it take for Calvin Ridley to create an Underdog account? (Calvin, if you’re reading this, use promo code GAZETTE for $50 in free bets when you make your first deposit. Link in bio!).

Indianapolis Colts: Where will Jonathan Taylor sign his next contract for the veteran minimum after his value tanks this year because Anthony Richardson was not in fact prime Cam Newton and Lamar Jackson combined?

Tennessee Titans: Your leaguemate that auto-drafts is going to end up with Derrick Henry in the late 2nd round and win the finals by 30, isn’t he?

Kansas City Chiefs: How long will it take for Andy Reid to realize that he needs a high-paid workhorse running back if he really wants to make the jump from having a 33 PPG offense to 34 PPG?

Denver Broncos: Will Sean Payton be appointed as the 267th Pope? The Vatican stated that he will be considered for the role if he performs the miracle of reviving Russel Wilson’s career.

Las Vegas Raiders: Is Jimmy Garoppolo going to buddy up with Hunter Renfrow so the pair will have lots of photos taken together during the season and the QB can look even more devilishly handsome by contrast?

Los Angeles Chargers: Why, God? Why do you forsake them?

Atlanta Falcons: What week will Kyle Pitts and Drake London drafters abandon their league entirely due to Desmond Ridder’s Desmond Riddering?

Carolina Panthers: Did you know that Cam Newton is exactly 2.419x the size of Bryce Young? Makes you wonder if…other parts of him…are that much bigger, too. My wife doesn’t know I think about these things.

New Orleans Saints: I’m actually looking forward to the revitalization of this team. I drafted plenty of Carr, Olave, Kamara, even Michael Thomas at a nice discount and t…FUMK ME DID TAYSOM HILL JUST SCORE AGAIN???

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: What team will Mike Evans demand a trade to in order to keep his 1,000-yard season streak alive when he realizes he’s way behind schedule?

San Francisco 49ers: Is this finally the year Trey Lance develops Stockholm Syndrome for Kyle Shanahan?

Seattle Seahawks: Holy mother of God can you imagine how many points this team would score per game with Mahomes at QB? I’m fully, and in every sense of the word I mean fully ERECT, just thinking about it.

Arizona Cardinals: Has James Conner ever played QB? Or like thrown a baseball back over his neighbor’s fence? Maybe he could play QB in a wildcat type offense?

Los Angeles Rams: Did Puka Nacua or Ben Skwronek get an invite to the Stafford/Kupp breakfasts? Anyone know? What about Brycen Hopkins? Guys please come on someone tell me quick I’m on the clock in the last round of this best ball draft and I need to win this $3mil for my family someone please answer! The clock’s at 5 seconds!!!

Washington Commanders: With Dan Snyder finally gone, how will the franchise’s defense lawyer put food on the table for his family?

Philadelphia Eagles: Jalen Hurts has never thrown for over 5,000 yards AND rushed for over 2,000. Is it time to consider if he’s even that good?

New York Giants: Who is their WR1? Is it:

Campbell? Hyatt? Slayton? Hodgins? Beasley? Shepard? Crowder? Wan’Dale?

What about their WR8? Is it:

Campbell? Hyatt? Slayton? Hodgins? Beasley? Shepard? Crowder? Wan’Dale?

Dallas Cowboys: Alright, I’m just gonna say it: Is Jerry Jones actually Emperor Palpatine?

Chicago Bears: Who will win the RB2 battle behind Fields?

Green Bay Packers: Will they win the NFC North now that they have a top tier QB who also actually likes playing for them?

Minnesota Vikings: With this Vikings defense in mind, over or under for Kirk Cousins to hit 70 passing attempts per game?

Detroit Lions: How long until they give up on Jameson Williams and ship his ass to Philadelphia for a 4th rounder and a Chester’s cheesesteak?