Fantasy Gazette

PHOENIX, AZ – New Cardinals head coach Jonathan Gannon has announced he is changing his mind on the virtue of taking the bus after doing so for the first time, a source confirms. “That shit was horrible, nevermind,” Gannon said. “I met two crackheads and one of them threw up on me. I’m never doing that again.”

Gannon infamously spoke to his team during a team documentary and asked how many drove vs. taking the bus. The implication was the bus would be taken by players who had a fire in their gut. Gannon now knows the bus is for people with alcohol or illegal drugs in their gut.

“A pregnant lady was smoking Menthols next to this huge guy with Nazi tattoos,” Gannon said. “I do kind of want to see if he could learn the tight end position. Dude was 6’5, 245 for sure—no, no, Jonathon, snap out of it. Remember what you saw,” he muttered to himself at the end of his press conference.

At press time, Gannon was instructing his team that anyone with two living and married parents was officially off the team.