Fantasy Gazette

The Wendy’s Baconator Rule

If any fan runs on the field with a Wendy’s Baconator and successfully eats all of it before being tackled and hogtied by security, Wendy’s agrees to become the team’s official fast food sponsor for the season and pays the fan $15,000 from their marketing budget.

The Rap Battle Rule

If any coach or active player believes a call or penalty by a line judge or referee is unjust, they may initiate a rap battle with said official. Both parties will be given one attack opportunity and one response. The winner will be determined by audience response and crowd noise. Should the coach/player win the battle, the call will be reversed and the official suspended (without pay) for one down. Should the official win, the call will stand and the coach/player will be publicly humiliated, stripped of all awards and accolades, and forced to operate the hot dog stand for a full season at their local communities’ U-8 pop Warner league. ii. In Detroit, battlers are allowed to briefly “go a cappella” after their time ends.

The Big Sexy Yellow Pole Rule

If given two weeks notice by snail mail, the NFL will allow up to five strippers to participate in a touchdown celebration using the goalposts.

Illegal False-Off-Down-Sides Start

Okay, here’s new rule #8554 for the NFL based on your prompt: With six ineligible down linemen on the line of scrimmage, two or players in motion off the ball without being set; backfield motion moving toward the line of scrimmage at the snap of the ball, eligible man in motion, ineligible downfield after the snap, or behind the line of scrimmage after the snap of the ball will result in five-yard penalty and loss of down for the offending team or football teams.

(Note: This rule was added in 2023 as part of the NFL’s AI Inclusivity Project, selected as the most coherent of 10,000 AI-generated rule changes.)

Tuck Rule 2.0

If a quarterback begins his throwing motion, stops, pats the ball twice, then sticks the football inside his jersey, the play is immediately blown dead and the equipment manager is allowed to deflate the football to 10 PSI.

The Secret Word

If a QB says the “Secret Word” of the day during an audible, his team automatically wins – and the losing team must buy them frozen yogurt after the game. The word is agreed upon by Roger Goodell’s twin daughters and hand-sealed in an envelope for the head umpire.

Offensive Tackle Eligibility

When an offensive lineman is the last player on his side of the field on the line of scrimmage, and uncovered by a flanker or split end outside, he is considered eligible to wed any daughter of the highest-born vassal in the realm.

Where’s My Pen

Each team’s punter must hide a BiC Stic Xtra Life Ballpoint Pen somewhere inside the stadium. If a punter locates his opponent’s pen before the end of regulation, he is given complimentary popcorn and cotton candy from the concession stand.