Fantasy Gazette

NEW YORK, NY – In preparation for “whatever happens to him tonight,” the Giants have taken a step of precaution and are listing starting QB Daniel Jones as questionable to play in Week 4. “We know there’s a significant chance those 49ers beat the everloving shit out of him on national television tonight,” said Brian Daboll. “It’s just best to get the NFL world ahead of the news cycle and say there’s a good chance he’s not gonna be out there in week 4.”

General Manager Joe Schoen said the team is prepared to get Jones back to 100% after tonight’s attempted manslaughter, and wouldn’t rule out the chances of bringing in a Carson Wentz or Matt Ryan while Jones recovers from multiple concussions, a fractured rib, bruising, a low-ankle sprain, and whatever else is about to happen to his body when they take on the 49ers in Santa Clara.

“Poor guy, he just isn’t going to stand much of a chance,” said 49ers DE Nick Bosa while brandishing a knife in the locker room. “We’re probably going to hit him so hard in the head he’ll forget how to do math.”

At press time, Jones said he will be more “week-to-week” than “day-to-day” and will consider resting up for the 2024 season instead of continuing to play this season, assuming he doesn’t die on Thursday Night Football only on Amazon.