Fantasy Gazette

Already, fantasy football players have dealt with an alarming number of injuries to key starters this season. While it’s obvious players like Emari Demercado and Bilal Powell are absolute f*cking studs, we know not every fantasy football enjoyer still has precious FAAB dollars to spend. These injuries are getting out of control. Sure, there’s the cheap turf fields and whoever Calvin Ridley bet the under on, but there has to be more to this conspiracy theory. Injuries don’t just go up like this for no reason.

While we were having our weekly Monday Night Chili Dog Dinner back at Gazette HQ, one of our interns (unpaid) covering the Las Vegas Raiders was able to sneak into the blue medical tent disguised as a stripper. You won’t believe what he found.

Turns out, all they have in there is one of those blood pressure chair thingies like at Walgreens, an eye chart, and a huge bowl full of lollipops. Like, massive. It even had a little sign in the bowl that said “Smile If You Like To Suck!” WTF!

And it gets worse when you look across the league.

Another intern (hourly wage of $0.00) unsuccessfully tried to get into the Packers’ tent and saw what he thinks was a large wheel of fresh Wisconsin cheese – but was escorted out of the stadium and physically assaulted before he could accurately determine what type of cheese it was. It’s no wonder players are literally tripping over nothing to get into the tent with a so-called “injury”.

This plague on the NFL is costing fantasy players like ourselves tens of dollars in lost winnings due to players leaving the field for delicious sugary treats and matching helicopter hats. They should replace the tent’s snacks with something less enticing (like those little mini corn cobs you see at old people’s potlucks or a small bowl of gazpacho). Sincerely, Fantasy Football Enjoyers.