Fantasy Gazette

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – The Vikings received a seismic shift in their 2023 NFL season Sunday when QB Kirk Cousins tragically suffered a torn achilles against the Green Bay Packers. After an MRI Monday confirmed the worst-case scenario, the team’s medical staff released an exciting report just a few minutes later that Cousins was “ahead of schedule” in recovering from the injury they just found out he had.

“I’m enthusiastic about Kirk after seeing the MRI. Most players need 10 months, but I’m putting him at 9 months and 29 days,” said Christopher Larson, the team’s physician. “Even better, I went 12 miles over the speed limit driving Kirk home and I wasn’t pulled over. That’s way faster than Aaron Rodgers’ driver got him to his house after his MRI.” He added later in the press conference that Kirk’s achilles tendon measured in at 4 millimeters shorter than other QBs his height, and that should give Vikings fans plenty of optimism for the team’s shot at a division title in 2024.

Additionally, the Vikings prescribed Cousins’ wife with an aggressive dose of Adderall. “The franchise known as the Minnesota Vikings have assisted in my speed and efficiency in taking care of Kirk Cousins, who is my husband,” said Julie. “After I ate that rolled up slice of lunch meat the team gave me that they said had nothing suspicious in it, I feel more alert and awake and fast and ready to heal Kirk as quickly as I can. In 39 minutes and 41 seconds, I will give Kirk his next round of pain medications, followed by a 16 ounce protein shake and an omelette while I finish our children’s homework and fold laundry. Hey, does that table over there look 3 inches too far to the right to you guys, too?” she added.

At press time, Cousins had been rolled out to the team’s practice facility to throw a few passes in his wheelchair to Justin Jefferson, who was also in a wheelchair, so the press could see just how quickly the two will be back on the field.