Fantasy Gazette

Atlanta Falcons head coach Arthur Smith found himself in a familiar position after the team’s loss this past Sunday: answering for his questionable coaching decisions at the podium. Consistently, Smith has failed to utilize highly-drafted stars on an offense that now ranks in the bottom 5 in points. Smith has most infamously dodged critiques and made derisive comments at one group in particular: Fantasy Football players.

These comments have led to speculation that Smith intentionally makes in-game decisions to avoid using stars like Bijan Robinson, Drake London, and Kyle Pitts just to spite the fantasy community. Just one week after Robinson received one rushing attempt, Smith had the audacity to call a play against the Titans in which Hall of Famer Jonnu Smith threw a pass to Hall of Famer MyCole Pruitt while Pitts pass blocked, and the pass fell incomplete. Afterward, the press refused to let Smith off the hook, despite his reputation for responding with condescension.

Following a barrage of pointed questions criticizing his strategy, Smith finally erupted, screaming: “All you idiots care about is fantasy football! Damn you, fantasy football! DAMN YOU TO HELL! LONG LIVE THE DEL VECCHIO BLOODLINE!”

When Smith realized he had slipped, the media shot stares at him and began whispering. He then revealed to them his true origin story.

It turns out the coach we know as “Arthur Smith” was born Artie del Vecchio, the only child of Sal and Petunia del Vecchio of South Memphis. They eked out a humble living as immigrants, but they were happy. One Tuesday afternoon when he was 8 years old, Artie arrived home from school to find both his parents lying dead on the floor. Sal, an avid fantasy football player, had just lost in the championship game by 1 point. The pain was too much for him to bear, and he took his own life. When Petunia found her husband’s lifeless body, she fainted, hit her head on the floor, and died of a brain hemorrhage.

Artie was later secretly adopted by benevolent billionaire Frederick W. Smith, founder and CEO of FedEx. But despite his privileged upbringing, the young Smith never forgot about what happened to his real parents–and never forgave fantasy football. He developed his plan to seek revenge, obsessing day in and day out, his focus never waning. According to Smith, not a day went by that he did not curse fantasy football for what it had taken from him. He even revealed to media members his secret tattoo across his chest, which reads “DIE FANTASY FOOTBALL BITCHES” with an image of a blood-soaked knife puncturing a football.

After years of meticulous planning and cunning execution, Smith’s evil plan finally came to fruition. He became a head coach in the NFL, drafted the most exciting young offensive skill players, and then implemented a scheme that would make the 1979 Florida A&M team (Google it) look like The “Greatest Show on Turf” Rams.

“And the best part, you fantasy football playing peasants?!” Smith continued, Kubrick-staring at everyone in the room. “There isn’t a single g**damned thing any of you can do about it! RIDE BENE CHI RIDE ULTIMO. ARRIVADERCI!” The head coach continued his maniacal cackling as he dramatically rose and had assistants dress him in a blood-red suit of armor, fur coat, and helmet with twisty horns.

At press time, Smith had discovered what dynasty fantasy football was and began to make plans to trade up in the 2024 draft for Caleb Williams, Marvin Harrison Junior, and Drake Maye.