Fantasy Gazette

AP – During a routine gathering of eligible NFL MVP Award voters yesterday, the entire group was discussing different criteria and margins for winning the prestigious award, in which they unanimously and aggressively stated that 49ers’ QB Brock Purdy wasn’t, and never will be, cool enough to win the Most Valuable Player trophy.

“When looking at the options of players who can win the award, you need to factor in statistics, team performance, but most importantly how dope they look out there slingin’ that thing. Purdy wore an outfit I saw on display at Kohl’s literally 3 days ago to his game Sunday. I don’t even think he owns anything leopard-print,” said one member of the voting panel.

The panel agreed to cite additional references for why Purdy simply didn’t have the it-factor to win the award. This included his lack of side-arm throws, handing off to Christian McCaffrey too much, and not starring in a single State Farm commercial so far in his career.

“That swaggerless white boy ain’t winning shit as long as I have a vote,” said one member of the media. “Has he even met Jake from State Farm?! Yeah, didn’t think so. Nice try. Can you imagine still giving Nikola Jokic the NBA MVP award if he was from South Dakota instead of Serbia? It would be madness!”

Members of the media concluded the meeting by deducting even more narrative points from Purdy by pointing out that his haircut doesn’t leave the sides and back completely shaven while the top is placed in a perm, and that he just kind of has the vibe of a guy that suggests Subway when going to lunch with a group of friends.

At press time, the voters briefly entertained the idea of giving the award to Tyreek Hill before erupting in uncontrollable laughter and saying they’ll just give it to the next QB with a winning record to do a spin move.